These days I don’t feel like I am making outstanding marks in the area of motherhood. I always thought I would be a little better at it. I have been a little on edge for some time now, lacking the kindness and compassion I know is so important in building a relationship with children, with anyone really. I have become easily angered and dismayed. My priorities have become skewed. So I asked God…”What’s the root of the discouragement, frustration and impatience I am experiencing?” It was interesting what He showed me.
In college I went home with a friend for a visit over one of our breaks. When I woke up that first morning of our stay I was surprised to find my friend’s mother already out of bed, dressed, breakfast started and laundry already in the works. Wow! She was nothing like my mom; I wanted to be like her!
This might have been the start of it all.
Did I make a vow? I don’t remember. Vow are promises we make early in life and at times forget about. The thing we vow can be positive or negative but either way they prevent God from operating in that part of our life and keep us from being all that he created us to be.
Was I already carrying bitterness and resentment that at those times in high school when I showered, ate breakfast and got myself off to school all before my parents woke up in the mornings? I am not consciously aware of it but it’s possible… our lives don’t have to be devastated for us to carry hurt. My parents weren’t neglecting me nor were they lazy, they just didn’t have to get up as early as me. I know that know but did I know that then?
Fast forward to today. How well I “perform” affects my day. When I get up early, read my Bible, pray, get dressed and have breakfast on the table by a certain time I feel good about myself; I think I am a “good mom”. I’m kind, compassionate and helpful. When I don’t…well, it’s a crap shoot. I have shared this before but I will share it again… I have seemingly created this impossible standard by which I measure myself, trying to get it right. I am not sure who is keeping score but I want as many points as I can. This is not the way we are suppose to live.
What do you expect of yourself as a mother? Where did those expectations come from?