A Few Ways You Can Touch Someone With Your Written Words

One of the things I miss most from my pre-smartphone days is getting a personal note in the mail. Even though emails are super convenient, they can not replace the feeling you get from receiving a postcard from a family member on vacation or a letter from a friend far away.

In the book, Easter Love Letters from God, kids can experience what it is like to get a letter from their Heavenly Father.

Join me other at Faith Gateway to READ MORE about this wonderful kid's book plus read about a few ways you can touch someone with your written words.

The Benefit of Creating a Values Driven Culture

Everyone values something. Once you have identified what it is that you value you are better able to make it show up in your life, you gain clarity, which allows you to be successful in what matters the most to you.

As a busy mom, I love the potential this has. I make decisions all the time and because I am the primary caregiver here at home, many of those decisions I make on my own. I can do it with confidence because the values my husband and I have established have created a framework for our family’s culture.

Being confident in our values eliminates time, stress, and guesswork that would otherwise slow me down and cause me to get stuck. << CLICK TO TWEET

There was a time when I used to volunteer for everything. My kids were little, and since I was a stay-at-home mom, I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Eventually, I put boundaries in place began to do less. But then a friend of mine asked if I was interested in being the committee chair for the TREP$ Entrepreneurship Education Program at my children’s school. My daughter had already participated in the program the year before and loved it. I immediately said, “YES!”

Biblical financial stewardship is one of our family’s core values, so being a part of this program was a value fit for us. We’ve been talking to our kids about money management principles such as Give - Save - Spend since they were four years old. Over the years they’ve earned money by doing extra chores around the house and selling lemonade. They’ve learned to manage a budget and be responsible consumers.

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You can more read about it HERE, or you can listen to this The Family Culture Project Episode 7 for the full story.

Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project.

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My husband is the Marketplace Coordinator and handles all the details of the program’s main event. When my kids were young, they participated in the program, and now that they are older, they help teach class plus help with the setup and clean up of the Marketplace.

The program takes a lot of time and energy, but it’s worth the sacrifice because we know we are apart of something that matters to us as a family and the community. There is a purpose in it, and over time it has become what our family is known for.

In addition to having confidence in my YESes, knowing my values give me confidence in my NOs.<< CLICK TO TWEET

I no longer feel guilty about not volunteering for bake sales or book fairs. These are great ways to get involved in my kid’s school, but they are just not for me. They would stress me out and take me away from the projects I am passionate about.

Business or organizations typically have tangible goals like sales numbers, units sold, people impacted to measure success. We don’t have those types of goals as a family, however, If I can look at my calendar and see my values align with my activities I know I am living my best life. And by that I mean, I have confidence in what I am doing. I don’t compare myself to others and wonder about my purpose.

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Want to identify your values and start cultivating your family's culture?

I have created a Core Values Kit that will walk you through the process of determining your values. You can download it for free HERE.

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To determine if your values are driving your life ask yourself these questions:

• What do my actions say my values are?

• Looks at your calendar, are the appointments and activities align with your values?

• How am I spending my time, money, energy?

• What are you passionate about?

• What do you love to do that you are not doing?

• What do you want to be known for?

Family values give you a sense of purpose. In times of stress, crises, or transition they automatically guide you. The better you know yourself and what you believe, the more confidence you’ll have in decision making. You’ll be better able weather the hard times and navigate struggle.

Knowing your values will ultimately provide clarity and success for your family.
 

When You and Your Friend Have Different Parenting Styles

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I thought we had everything in common until we became parents.

I potty trained my kids before they were two years old. She waited until hers were three. I pushed my little ones around in a stroller, and she almost always wore hers in a sling. I prefer that my kids don’t eat processed food, but she feeds hers anything that’s easy.

In the beginning, the strain on our relationship was slight. But, as our kids got older, our differences became more apparent, and the tension between us grew.

It didn't take long for me to realize that one’s parenting style can wreak havoc on even the closest of friendships. That’s because the choices we make as parents are rooted in our values, character, and upbringing. As we incorporate them into our every day, they become apart of our family culture. So, it’s difficult not to take it personally when a friend makes a snarky comment about the fact that you just binge watched Parks and Recreation with our kids.

Attachment parents disagree with the free-range parents while strict moms seem to have nothing in common with the laid-back moms. Then there are spiritual and religious parents, parents that co-sleep and parents that sleep train. Chances are you can identify with one of these styles while a good friend embodies another.

Naturally, we gravitate towards people who are like-minded because they validate our own choices. However, we don’t have to believe our friend’s decisions are wrong to have confidence in our own.

Your differences don’t have to ruin your relationship!  

No matter how drastically different your methods are, keep in mind that you and your friend have the same intention, you’re both trying to be a good mom.

There are NO set rules for parenting. Your friend’s unique family culture is rooted in their values, passions, and experiences. Many times the choices they make are not theirs alone but shared by their spouse and chosen for a particular reason. As a friend, it’s your job to show respect for those choices.

There may be more to her story than you know. If your friend’s choices seem haphazard and inconsistent, it might be because parenting was nothing like she expected, she’s exhausted and doesn't have the patience to do things any other way. The best thing you can do is come alongside her and walk with her in struggles.

One of the best things you can do is offer your opinion only when asked. This applies to any relationship. Many times your friends aren’t looking for advice but instead, someone to listen.

Take it a step further and ask lots of questions. Many factors can go into why a person parents in a particular way. By learning more about why your friend chose their styles and methods, you’ll understand them better and as a result, deepen your relationship. Hopefully, you’ll come to respect that she does things her way, and you do things yours. You may also be challenged to take a look at your own choices and ask yourself why you made the specific decisions you did.

If all else fails, maybe it's time to get together without your kids. It will diffuse tension and remind you why you became friends in the first place. And if it's a new mom friend, this will give you the opportunity to discover whether the relationship is worth pursuing outside of school activities and playdates.

It took humility for me to get over the fact that my friend’s choices for her little ones were different than mine. I realized that if her parenting style made me angry or less confident in my own then maybe it was time for me to take a look at why I felt that way. Once I stopped thinking so much about myself, I became less offended and was able to enjoy our friendship.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs many of us will ever have. Whether it's being a mother or being a friend, we can all use more encouragement and less judgment. So, let’s cheer each other on, so we can have the confidence in our friendship but also in our parenting styles, even if they are different.

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This post was originally shared on Friending - a podcast about friendships. 

Episode 3 of Season 3 - “When You and Your Friend Don’t Parent the Same”

In this episode, Noelle Rhodes discusses what to do when you and a friend don’t parent the same. How do you navigate conflicting parenting styles and still preserve the friendship? This week’s guest is the amazing Clare Hooper along with me!

This is a good episode ... at times a little brutally honest... but a good one!

Subscribe to Friending in iTunes

The Benefits of a Clearly Defined Culture

Procrastination, lack of team spirit, and decreased engagement are all signs of a negative culture both in organizations and families. This develops when the culture is not built intentionally but instead produced by default, without a vision and a plan.

In the book Good to Great, Jim Collins says that in the workplace people want:

• To be a part of a winning team

• Contribute to visible, tangible results

• Feel the excitement of being a part of something outstanding, something that works.

This applies to families too!

A strong defined culture energizes its members, keeps them engaged, gives them a sense of belonging, and helps them make decisions. << CLICK TO TWEET

Energizes

It’s a pleasure to show up for things you can count on and enjoy.

Playing games came naturally to our family because it was something Carl and I enjoyed growing up. Once my husband and I identified it as something we wanted to pass to our children we got excited about it. Our excitement was contagious, and it didn’t take long before our kids got in on the fun by playing them, creating them, and bringing them to friend’s houses. This past Christmas, my kids, facilitated the party games we planned so that I could cook for our guests.

Engages

When members of an organization or family know what to expect, they can take ownership of the part they play.

In our family, there are certain things our kids do not have to wonder whether or not we will do. We will go to church on Sunday. We will support one another by attending their sporting event, music concert, or awards ceremony. We will work together to clean up around the house, especially after dinner. And if someone is not home we cover their chores for them. Plus, knowing this eliminates most of the grumbling and complaining.

Belonging

When people work together, they view themselves as a team rather than individuals. They understand that what they contribute matters.

Our family hosts a connect group for our church. When we talk about, plan and prepare for that evening, we say, “we host” vs. “Mommy and Daddy hosts.” We all help out with set up and clean up as well as greeting and engaging with our guests.

As a family, we also volunteer with the Treps Entrepreneurship program at my son’s school. It’s something we love to do together, and it’s what we’ve become known for within our community.

Decision Making

We will not always be around to help our children make choices. A list of dos and don’ts will only take them so far. When rooted in our values, culture guide our decisions.

Our family practices hospitality regularly. When presented with the opportunity, our oldest daughter volunteered to host her field hockey team’s freshman lunch. Because we consistently welcome friends, family, and neighbors into our home, she knew that this was a perfect way for her to volunteer.  She didn’t have to check with me to make sure it was okay; she had confidence that this would be a fit for our family.

Much like a company and its employees, children do not create the family culture. However, they can have a role in shaping the future of the family through age-appropriate conversations.

Our kids were 6, 8, and 10 when we first talked to them about what we wanted to be known for as a family. We started by asking them when they knew about Chipotle (good food, fresh ingredients) and Michael’s (crafts). We shifted the conversation to families we know. Our neighbor across the street always has the best snacks, while the siblings they play with across town often bicker and fight.  Our kids immediately made the connection with the examples we used.

You can also ask your children their favorite and least favorite things about your family. Their answers may surprise you. This may be the encouragement you need to stay the course or make some changes in you every day.  

Family culture creation begins when you determine the values, beliefs, and customs or traditions you want to share with one another. << CLICK TO TWEET

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Start the conversation about your family culture now! Download this free Family Culture Discussion Sheet.

It includes questions that will allow you to explore who you are as a family and challenge you to dream about what you could be together.

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You don’t have to have this all figured out in one conversation. Your culture will be refined over time as you discuss, discover, and try new things together. You may find that you love the idea of something more than actually you like doing it. That’s okay because it is just part of the process.
 

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Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project. 

Creating a Culture of Creativity in Your Home

When my husband and I set out to write a family mission statement, the first thing we did was write down our values and passions. Our goal was to choose the top 5-7 ideals to represent who we were and incorporate them into our family culture. After much discussion, we settled on faith, integrity, generosity, excellence, love, legacy, and creativity.

Occasionally being creative is not enough to make it a part of our family culture. It must consistently show up in everything we do. This principle applies to your family values, no matter what they are.

Join me over at Faith Gateway where I am sharing some ways we make creativity a part of your life...

How to Improve Your Present Culture by Examining Your Past

When I first got married, the way I went about my day, solved problems, and addressed conflict was in direct relation to what I experienced growing up. Just as my parents passed culture to me, I was passing it onto my family.

I was operating in a default culture. I was doing many things because “That’s just the way I’ve always done it.”,  There wasn’t necessarily a problem with WHAT I was doing with my now family, but WHY I was doing it that way.  

Culture is the norms, values, beliefs, and customs of people that are passed down from generation to generation, often without us even realizing it.

To design and build a unique culture for our family, my husband and I  had to examine our past. It was vital to determine what we wanted to bring into the future and what we wanted to leave behind.

My husband played outside with his friends every day after school, and his mom would have home a cooked meal waiting for him when it was time to come inside. Then he and his brother were expected to do chores when they were done eating. They went to church on all the major holidays as did many of their extended family.

Growing up, my brother and I played outside and did chores too. My family took frequent road trips, were involved in our local baseball community, and played card games together. We were very active in our church community and went to attended services every Sunday.

Many of the experiences Carl and I had that were similar were an obvious fit for our children and us. Without much effort, our new family resembled the ones we grew up in. However, the areas that were different warranted a discussion. What were that customs and traditions that didn’t come naturally to us to both of us that we wanted to show in up our lives?

You have the power to design and build your unique family culture! << CLICK TO TWEET

When you take a look at your past you:

1. Recognize the default culture that is at work in your life. You will be able to celebrate the good things that you’ve experienced but also identify the negative things that can be let go of.

2. Avoid assumptions and therefore avoid conflict. For example, I thought Carl would do things just like my dad. I assumed he’d be home for dinner every night, work in the yard on the weekends, and plan family vacations. He wasn’t anything like my dad nor was our family life like mine growing up. If I continued to have unrealistic expectations, I would become angry and eventually bitter.

3. Set yourself up for success. Once you have recognized what you want to bring forward and what you want to leave behind you can create an environment that facilitates those traditions and customs.

By examining your past, you can break away from the comfortable and easy to forge new paths for your family. << CLICK TO TWEET

To get started set aside dedicated time. It is unlikely that you will just ‘find time’ or get around to it when you have nothing else to. Make this a priority!

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Ask yourself questions like:

• Where did you spend most of your time as a child? At home? At a Friends? Why?

• What are some of your favorite memories and traditions growing up?

• What could you always count on as a child?

• What were you missing as a child or young adult?

This process may be painful for you. What’s important is not to camp out here and hang on to regret. Much like in assessing your present, this process is about discovering what you have to work with and creating a successful plan for the future.

After this discussion, you will be able to determine what traditions and custom you want to bring forward and which ones you want to leave behind. You can also mix and match your family practices or create brand new ones.

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I have created the Family Culture Discussion Sheet that covers the questions I mentioned above plus a handful more that are designed to propel you into the future. DOWNLOAD IT FOR FREE.

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Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project.

Why You Should Assess Where Your Family Culture is Now

Change starts with awareness. This is true in every area of life, including family culture!

As I mentioned in a previous post, there was a time when our busy schedule created a culture of survival in our family. We’d often say to one another, “Let’s just get through this week.” After we got through one week, there was still another that wasn’t much different from the one before. One week turned into a month; a month turned into a year. Frantic was no longer the exception, it was our norm.

At the time I was volunteering for everything, because as a stay at home mom, I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. We lacked community and were scattered in different directions, doing our own thing.

To make a change we had to be honest with ourselves about where we were and how we felt about the life we were living. At first this step made me uncomfortable. I already knew we needed a change. I wanted a quick fix, and I didn’t want this to slow us down.

But, at the end of asking ourselves the hard question, “How are we really doing?, we discovered common threads in our choices. We were thrilled with the areas of our life we built with intention and unhappy in the places where ‘no decision’ became the decision, and where “let’s see what happens” guided us.

In order to successfully move forward in the family culture building process, it's important to know where you are starting from. << Tweet This!

Keep in mind; you don't have to be failing miserably in any one area for this to be worth doing. The assessment stage simply reveals if you’ll need to take significant steps to get you where you want to be, or if you just need to make a few tweaks.

If you are married, it is ideal to do this activity with your spouse. However, I know that’s not always possible. I want to encourage you to do this work anyway. Whether you are a single parent or have a partner that’s not on board with this, you can still have a significant impact on your family through small intentional steps that are anchored in what matters to you.

Here are the steps that you can take:

• Pray – Invite God into the process.

• Assess - Give each of the areas of your family life a rating between 1 and 10, along with a few thoughts on why you chose that number.

Categories are:

– Community/Friendships

– Family Relationships (spouse, immediate family, and extended family)

– Spiritual + Personal Growth

– Recreation

1 means you are not satisfied in this area and want to see radical change. 10 indicates you are happy with where you are and can’t imagine things being any different.

Feel free to create additional categories!

• Write down your answers. - I highly recommend this. In my experience, this really allows me to think deeply and explore what comes to mind. Plus it serves as a reference when you start building and implementing culture. I also love that you can look back at what you’ve written to remind yourself how far you’ve come.

You can do this activity on any piece of paper; however, I have created a handy guide to walk you through the process. You can download it for free in the show notes of episode 03 of The Family Culture Project.

• Sit with your answers. - Don’t try to explain them away or change them immediately. Consider the circumstances or choices that got you where you are. And absolutely, don’t get stuck in the negative, be mindful of the good in each area!!

Your next steps will be easier to decide after you’ve done this.

Once my husband and I examined and shared where we were in each area, we were better equipped to talk about what we wanted for our family, which ultimately set us up for success in the culture building process. Doing it as a couple, helped us to know and understand each other’s perspective better.

How is your family doing? You can leave your response in the comment or email me. I am here to cheer you on.

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Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project.

Change starts with awareness. This is true in every area of your life. Your Family’s Culture is no different! In order to successfully leap forward in the family culture building process it’s best to know where you are starting from.

Need help with the assessment process? There is an incredible resource in the show notes you don't want to miss!

How What We Allow in our Home Affects our Family Culture

I received an email from my son's teacher recently. It was about his unkind behavior towards a friend. At first I was tempted to defend him and make excuses. But ultimately I realized I needed to examine our family's culture to see what I was allowing at home. 

Join me over at Faith Gateway to read the full story... 

Welcome to The Family Culture Project!

Together with my husband Carl, I will be bringing you weekly podcasts that empower you to create a thriving family culture.

When my husband and I first got married, we had so many ideas of what family life would be like. We wanted a welcoming home with an open-door policy, a family that loves and serves God together, a simple life that prioritized relationships.  

However, after moving to the burbs, having a few kids, and investing into our careers, we discovered that the values, beliefs, and expectations we had for our family had gotten lost in the shuffle of our modern-day life.

We found ourselves in the rut of just surviving, barely getting through the week. We packed our schedules with school activities, sports, church, and volunteer commitments. These were all good things. However, we felt like we didn’t have control over the direction our family was going.

We realized it was time to change the trajectory of our family.  

In an effort to bridge the the gap between the life we were living and and the life we’d hoped for, my husband and I set out to create a mission statement. It was harder than we thought it’d be. After a few failed attempts, I began to research how successful companies created theirs.

That’s when I discovered the power of culture and the part it plays in a thriving organization.

Along the way, I realized that the very same principles that cause an organization’s culture to flourish and business to succeed can help my family thrive.

We’ve created this podcast because we believe you don’t have to feel hopeless looking at the path your family is on. With thought and deliberate steps, you can create a culture in your home that reflects your family's values and beliefs.

As a result, you’ll be able to lead with purpose and passion and create unity within your family. When it comes time for your children to leave your home, they will have a foundation of confidence and purpose that will equip them to follow their personal mission and embrace who God has created them to be.

Don't miss an episode!

We want to let you know up front; we don’t have all the answers. However, we’ve both experienced intentional culture and default culture in business, ministry, and family. We’ve studied what makes some organizations succeed and others fail. Since we are smack dab in the middle of raising our own kids, we’ll be learning with you along the way as we speak with experts, leaders, and everyday people who are intentionally building cultures that thrive.

We can’t guarantee that as parents you’ll make all the right choices, or that your kids will never make mistakes. We can, however, promise you that if you do the work to establish your values and beliefs, translate them into behaviors that can be repeated and measured you will have a culture in your home that will anchor your family to what matters to the most.

I hope you’ll join us when we launch the show on Tuesday, January 16th.

To make sure that you’re with us for that very first episode subscribe to us in iTunes or in your favorite podcast app now. Until then, you can hear our story and learn more about the show at thefamilycultureproject.com. While you are there you can sign up for our newsletter which will include show notes, resources, and bonus content.

Finding Selah - Book Review

The first time I met Kristen Kill was back in 2015 when I attended the Winsome Retreat. A few weeks before the event, my friend Elise and I got an email from the retreat’s host asking us if we could give a few fellow bloggers from NYC a ride. We immediately said yes! We didn’t know these women but were happy to make space in the minivan for them. 

On the morning we left, we pulled up to the train station to pick up the two women whose faces we’d only seen online. We found them, introduced ourselves, and after a quick Starbucks stop, we set out for the 5-hour drive. 

Kristen was one of those women. 

The car ride there was an absolute delight. We got to know each other quickly, and it didn’t take long for us to go deep into the conversation about family, faith, and work. I am forever changed by our time together that weekend. (We did it all again the following year too!)

It’s an honor to share my friend’s book with you today!

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Throughout the Psalms, we find the word Selah. It’s a break in the psalmist’s cries, to pause and reflect. It’s also an invitation to rest. And in that rest, God provides a reorientation for our soul. 

In the book Finding Selah, Kristen Kill explains what Selah is and how we can experience it in our everyday. 

Through personal stories laced with the truth of God’s love and provision, she shares her experience with depression, loss, and ultimately finding peace in the one who is rest, Jesus. 

This book challenged me to let go of control and trust in God’s provision instead of what I have created for myself; to stop gathering manna for tomorrow and instead drink in the beauty and grace I’ve been given today. I was reminded that “Rest and provision are inextricably linked. Intertwined.”

This book is easy to read, and I had to stop myself from finishing it in one sitting. Much like rest itself, this book is to be savored slow, and with intention. I will be sure to revisit it often especially in seasons where busy attempts to steal my peace. 

If you are weary, stretched beyond your limits, and long for change this book is for you!

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The Winsome Retreat hosted by Kim Hyland is taking place this year April 13-15, 2018 at White Sulphur Springs, Manns Choice, PA. Right now they are taking EARLY BIRD registrations - purchase by January 15 & SAVE $40

To read why I think Winsome is a retreat you don't want to miss click HERE.

Bearing God’s Image

Have you ever noticed, upon meeting a child for the first time, you can easily match up the “grown-up” they belong to?

Sometimes they are the spitting image of their mom or dad, and other times it’s the similarity to their parent’s mannerisms, behavior, or even dress that gives them away.  Our family is no different.

Read the rest of this post at More to Be...

May the Faith Be with You

As a child, I loved learning that God created the sun, moon, and stars on the fourth day. I was amazed to learn that a light year is the distance covered by light in a single year, which is equal to 5.88 trillion miles, and that the Milky Way is around 100,00 lights years wide.

What I learned about God and His creation as a child laid the foundation for the awe and wonder I still have for who God is. Your child can have the same footing as they dig into God’s Word with these books!

Head over to Faith Gateway to learn more about them!

What are Family Values and Why are The Important?

Knowing what you want your family to be known for is an important part of creating a thriving family culture. Another critical component is determining your values and living according to them. Much like culture, your values exist and are in operation in your life even if you haven’t taken the time to identify them.

When my husband and I first sat down to write out mission statement one of the first things we discussed was our values and passions. We identified which ones were important to us individually and then came together to decide which ones we would embrace together as a couple and a family. It was the first step to creating a sense of purpose for our lives and the lives of our children.

So, what are values?

If culture is the underlying personality or your organization or family, the essence of how people interact and work, then your values are the why of how you live and what you do.

As a couple, your shared values are a central part of who you are and what you envision your family to be.

Are few common core values are:

• Cooperation

• Faithfulness

• Hard Work

• Independence

• Artistic Expression

• Efficiency

• Integrity

It doesn’t matter what your values are, but that you have identified them applied them to your life. In the book Good to Great, Jim Collins says that “In examining companies who have achieved success both in profitability and culture, what mattered most was knowing exactly what their values are, building them explicitly into the organization, and preserving them over time.”

Why are values important?

Family values are the things that you believe are important in the way you work and live. << Click to Tweet

Your values will drive your behavior. For example, if you say that you value integrity it should show up in every area of your life. You’ll exercise that principle in everything you do, at work, at school, and in your relationships. If you are only faithful and honest when it is easy, then you don’t value integrity. No matter where you are, at work, home, school, in relationships, and on the sports field, these values are present.

Family values matter to children too!

As kids get older and increasingly independent, we won’t always be around to guide them in the choices they make. We can’t possibly prepare them for every scenario they come up against. So a list of do’s and don’t will fall short but an understanding of personal and family values will better equip them. They will be able to reach back to a family principle to make an informed and intelligent choice.  

When the things that you do and the way you behave match your values, life will be good. You have a sense of peace, are more fulfilled, and feel in control. That doesn’t mean that your circumstances are perfect. However, there is an undercurrent of satisfaction and contentment. The reciprocal is also true. When the life you’re living doesn’t align with your personal values, the surrounding culture, fads, and the opinions of others will influence your behavior. Things will feel off.

Also, when you do the work of knowing what you believe, when questioned, you’ll know what you stand for and why.

Why you should identify your values:

1. Knowing your values and intentionally honoring them in your life will give you a sense of purpose.  

2. In times of stress, crises, or transition you'll know how to respond, you won’t have to think. Your values will automatically guide you.

3. The better you know yourself and what you believe, the more you will be able to espouse that value. When you consider your values in decision-making, you can be sure to approach decisions with confidence and clarity.

4. A sense of purpose, rooted in your values, allows you to weather the hard times and navigate struggle.

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Check out my post on How to Identify Your Values and Improve Your Life to download the free Core Values Kit that will walk you through the process I mentioned below.

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Here are some simple steps you can take to identify the core values that will drive your family culture:

1. Pray Together Whether you are doing this exercise alone or with a spouse, the best place to start is prayer. God know us better than we know ourselves because he created us. Ask Him for guidance and to show you what you need to know for this process.

2. Answer the following questions individually: When are you most fulfilled and satisfied? When you're having your best day what characteristics are present in you? What are you passionate about?

3. For greater perspective, ask others what they think you value. Many times friends and family can see patterns in our life we haven’t noticed. Be open to their responses; they may be both affirming and challenging.

4. If you do this with your spouse, combine or condense the recurring themes and complementary ideas. There will be outliers on your list. Decide whether those ideas, personal to you or your spouse, are ones you can support and promote in your family. If so, talk about how they fit into the big picture.

5. With the information you have collected, identify the 5 to 7 values that are the most important to you together. A quick search on Google can help you find a list similar to the one I used. Select as many as you’d like. Remember, all of the values listed are good. However, it’s important to identify the ones that are most important to you. If you are having trouble, rate each value on a scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the highest. If you have two values that have the same rank, ask yourself, "If I could satisfy only one of these, which one would I choose?"

The list you end up with is your Core Values.

Once you have identified and articulated your values, you and your family will be able to move forward with confidence and become all that God created you to be.

Your personal values may change over time if the season of your family changes or you experience significant personal growth. This is why you should regularly revisit this process periodically, especially if you start to feel unbalanced and can't quite figure out why.

Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project.

Who's Creating Your Family Culture?

Every family has a particular way they work together to solve problems, achieve goals, and connect with one another. Just like business culture, family culture is created by default, subject to the whims of its members, or through intentionality.

There was a time when our busy schedule created a culture of survival in our family. We would often say to one another, “Let’s just get through this week.” The culture of our home was frantic; we were always running late, always feeling restless. After we got through one week, there was still another to follow that wasn’t much different from the one before.

We wanted so much to live well but were stuck. We let our busyness dictate to us what kind of family we were. Our life looked like good ideas with no follow through and a full calendar of doing the right things but without fulfillment or connection with one another.

A thriving family culture does not happen organically, it will not create itself. << Click to Tweet

A culture shaped by default tends to be mediocre because people, especially children tend to take the path of least resistance. To create a successful culture in our home, as the parents, we’ll need to decide what it that we want our family to look like and consistently work hard to maintain it.  

When you intentionally create culture you set your people up for the highest probability of success. You give them a better chance to perform at higher levels. 

Instead of having a vague sense of purpose, children in a family with a healthy, well thought out culture have a strong sense of belonging. They also have the excitement of being a part of something bigger than themselves.

We’ve often heard the comment “Well, it is what it is. There is not much I can do to change things.” This statement is not true.  As parents, we have an incredible amount of influence in determining the type of life we live, and we leave that power on the table if we allow our family’s culture to be created organically, by default.

How do you cultivate the culture you want for your family?

The first step is assess where you are at. To determine “Am I creating my family’s culture or is it being creating for me?” You may already know the answer to that but if you don’t, this 10 Second Quiz that will help. 

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10 Second Culture Quiz

Answer Yes or No to the following questions:

1. Our family seldom has time to spend together.

2. Our family has so many individual interests that it's hard for us to find things we have in common.

3. There are so many things that are important to me, but I don't have time to think about them, let alone include my family in them.

4. I feel powerless over my time and commitments.

5. Others often complain that our schedule doesn't allow enough time for them.

6. Time is flying by, and my children don't possess the kind of character I had hoped they would.

7. I often wonder if my kids/marriage/family will turn out okay.

8. Everyone is doing their own thing, and I often wonder how we can stay connected.

9. I sometimes feel like we are losing the battle against outside influences that don't reflect my values.

10. I am unsure about the legacy I will leave behind.

• 8-10 Answered Yes: What are you waiting for? It's time to take back control of your family!

• 5-7 Answered Yes: With just a few changes you could change the course of your family.

• 0-4 Answered Yes: Amazing! You are on the right track!

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A healthy culture isn’t created overnight. It requires a daily investment of time but is definitely worth the effort. If we could do it then so can you!

Why Family Culture Matters and How You Can Start Cultivating Yours

A few years back my husband and I realized that our family life looked nothing like we imagined. We were overscheduled, disconnected, and burnt out from the busy. We knew for things to change we had slow down, re-establish our values, and identify the gap between what our life was like and what we hoped it would be. So decided to write a family mission statement.

It turned out to be a bit harder than I thought. While I found lots of information about why it was important, I couldn’t find much on how to do it. Eventually, I created a step by step process that my husband I followed and then shared on Circles of Faith. To get started we set aside a few hours, grabbed oversized sheets of paper, markers, pens, along with a cup a tea, and our Mission Statement Discussion Sheet. We talked about our passions, our values, and the things we wanted to accomplish.

After numerous discussions, we still didn’t have a polished paragraph that we felt was ready to share with the world. Something was missing. So I went back online and started to look into how well-known companies came up with their missions statements. When I did, I kept bumping into the concept of culture and why it was so crucial to a successful organization.

That’s what we were missing! A basic understanding of what we wanted the culture of our family to be.

So what is culture?

Culture is the heart of an organization and yes, even a family. According to Wikipedia, organizational culture is the “behavior of humans within an organization and the meaning that people attach to those behaviors.”

Culture is what organizations become known for.

For example, Patagonia is known for their passion for the planet, Google for employee perks and stimulating work environment, and Chipotle for their simple and healthy food with integrity.

What does culture have to do with families?

A family culture is the norms, values, beliefs, and customs of people that are passed down from generation to generation.

Just as in business, family culture refers to how a family relates to one another, works together, and achieves goals. Family culture is the DNA of a family. It’s the what of, “That’s just the way we do things.” Just like a fingerprint, it's what makes your family unique.

Why is culture important?

Research shows that family culture plays an even more influential role in shaping a child than parenting styles do.

It is not a question of whether or not family culture exists but whether or not you control it. << Click to Tweet

In the workplace, healthy culture retains employees. In a family, healthy culture maintains engagement and promotes belonging. Through ups and downs, your family culture will tether you and your children to your values and one another.

What people want in their workplace is the same as what members want in their family. To be a part of a winning team, something that works. To contribute to visible, tangible results and to feel the excitement of being a part of something bigger than themselves. An intentionally created culture within a family provides that.

Next Steps

For my husband and I to have a mission statement that truly represented what our family could and should be, we had to determine what kind of culture we wanted.

Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to listen to this episode of The Family Culture Project.

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If you are interested doing the same here's our suggestion:

1. Set aside dedicated time with your spouse.

2. Gather pen and paper for taking notes from your conversation.

3. Reflect on your past together. Talk about your favorite memories growing up and where you spen most of your time as a child. Was it at home or a friend’s? Why? Recognize the sights, sounds, and smells represent HOME.

4. Consider what others are doing and how it impacts you. When we go to their homes, what makes us feel welcome? What can you always count on when you’re with them?

5. Determine what you want you family to be known for. There are things that you as a couple or a family are already building into your culture. Decide whether they are things you’d like to maintain or change.

6. Brainstorm about what that means practically for your family. You might have to make changes to your schedule to accommodate the things that matter most to you. Implementing your cultural ideas may also mean changing the way you spend money are well as what you say yes and no to.

In addition to our values and core passions, these answers became the raw material of our mission statement. Just like a business, ministry, or organization, our mission statement, when adhered to would produce the culture we desired.

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Want to start cultivating your family's culture? 

Download this free Family Culture Discussion Sheet. It includes questions that will allow you to explore who you are as a family and challenge you to dream about what you could be together.

I Choose to Believe - More to Be

I used to think that my value and worth by what I did (or didn’t do) for a living, how much I got done in a day, and how clean my house was. That lie made me feel less than and consequently affected the kind of woman, wife, and mother I was.

Head over to More to Be to read the story of how an experience with my oldest daughter and her swim team taught me to recognize the lies that held me back and counter them with the truth.

Helping Our Teen Daughters Find Their Own Beautiful

“Finding your own beautiful has a lot to do with deciding what kind of person you want to become.”  – Chelsea Crockett

To navigate today’s culture and make good choices my daughter will have to decide what she believes about God and His Word and determine who she wants to be. Once she does this, it will easier for her to make choices, based on her values rather than her emotions.

I am so grateful for role models such as Chelsea Crockett who share what’s it like, as a teen, to do life with Jesus. To hear more about an incredible resource for your teen join me over at Faith Gateway. 

How to Listen Well

Most of us have had the unfortunate experience of talking to someone that is clearly not listening. The person you are speaking with may be nodding their head, but mentally they are somewhere else. Despite our attempts to justify our friend’s preoccupation or lack of interest it still hurts.

Not only have I talked with people who are bad listeners but I I have been one as well. Sometimes I get distracted. I may think I’m listening to the other person, but I’m not giving them my full attention. This happens especially in the evening with my family when I am trying to get dinner ready or am tidying the house. Other times, when I am with friends I’ve let my phone, other people in the room, or what I am going to say next prevent me from paying attention.

What does it look like to listen to one another in a way that makes us feel heard and fully seen?

Obviously being present is not enough. A good listener listens with their heart, their eyes, and their body language. When they do, others feel safe and can relax and share honestly. This is a tremendous gift we can give each other.

I first heard about active listening in March of 2016 at the Circles of Faith event we hosted called Your Story, Your Influence. The purpose of the event was to walk the attendees through discovering and telling their stories. To equip us for the process, Susanne Ciancio spoke about the difference between terrible listening and good listening and how we can listen well to others.

Here’s what I learned:

Examples of bad listening:

Interrupting -  This is the worse communication habit ever. When we interrupt people, we are telling them the conversation is all about us. Don’t be fooled by thinking, “I just have to say this now, or I'll forget.” If it’s essential to the conversation, you’ll remember it later.

Advising - Unsolicited advice is a relationship killer. Sometimes people just want to express their frustrations or feelings, but we’re quick to jump in to fix it. Wait to be asked before you give advice. The person you are speaking with will be much more appreciative of your wisdom when you do.

Over relating - It makes us feel connected when we can relate to a friend’s story, however highjacking the conversation to let them know you know exactly what they are talking about is rude. It’s okay to wait until they are done speaking to tell them you’ve had a similar experience.

Anticipating - Instead of listening we may be formulating our next sentence, rebuttal, or response. Thinking about what you're going to say next prevents us from being in tune with the other person because in our mind we have shifted the focus off them and onto us.

Ways to listen well:

Give eye contact. This might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s worth doing. When you keep eye contact with the person, who is talking it indicates that you are focused and paying attention. If possible, don’t look over their shoulder to see what else is going on around you.

Use body posture. Sit up straight, with your shoulders squared to the speaker. Lean into the conversation when needed.

Make facial expressions. Nod occasionally and smile. Mirroring the different expressions of the speaker shows sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations.

Eliminate distractions. Put phones, books, and iPads away when talking with someone. Social media and texts can wait.

Once you’re done listening, you can ask questions to further the conversation.

Examples of active listening questions are:

“Can you tell me more about…”

“I heard you say....could you tell me more?”

“What struck me about your story was…”

“How did you come out of that?”  

Keep in mind, most conversations with a co-worker, friend, or family member requires social skills. It’s meant to be a back and forth exchange.

Even though these steps may be obvious, for many, myself included, they are often forgotten. However, with a bit of intentionality and practice, these practices will become second hand. The people in our life will no longer wonder if we are paying attention or care about what matters to them.

Listening well is the way we can make others feel heard and fully seen.

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For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 62 Susanne Ciancio on How to be a Good Listener

Join Elise Daly Parker and I as we talk with Licensed Professional Christian Counselor, Susanne Ciancio about the difference between listening and hearing and how we can better listen to the people in our lives.

Beyond Our Imagination: God’s Great Love

My son lost his first tooth while we were on vacation. He was thrilled. Since he has two big sisters, he knew what to expect. Since our family celebrates imagination in our kids, he couldn’t wait to go to sleep because the next morning there would be “fairy dust” on the ground and a surprise under his pillow.

Then all of a sudden his smile turned upside down and tears filled his eyes. He said, “Mommy, how is the tooth fairy going to find me?”

Join me over at Faith Gateway as I share how losing a tooth turned into the perfect opportunity to teach my son about God's omnipresence.  Read more here...

How to Overcome the Fear of Doing Something New

I am working on a new project.

It’s something that has been on my mind for over a year now. I have spent time on it here and there but am nowhere near where I should be on its progress.  At one point I had a detailed plan on how I was going to complete it but failed to follow it when I got “busy.” Then summer came, and it was pushed even further down my priority list.

I said things like, “I’m still doing research.” and “I’m thinking through a few new ideas” and “I don’t have time to give it my full attention but when I do…” I thought these were excellent explanations as to why I didn't see progress, but let’s face it; I was procrastinating.

Procrastination is nothing more than fear.

Setting aside this project this summer to spend quality time with my kids is legit, but when I was honest with myself, I realized that I simply enjoy doing things I know I can do well. This new project is new territory and will push me out of my comfort zone. I’ve let fear keep me from taking necessary steps towards the unknown.

The two common fears that others and I face are:

Fear of Failure

Many of us fear we will not live up to the expectations of others. Whether it’s a boss, family member, or friend, we don’t want to let them down. Worse than that is the dread of not living up to the expectations of ourselves. We wonder, “Do I have what it takes to do this?” “What if there is a gap between what I hope it will be versus what it becomes? If so, what does that say about me?”

Fear of Success

While success is great, it brings with it new responsibilities. We tend to worry whether we can sustain that success. It may require time or effort that we don’t have or are willing to give. Accomplishments are also accompanied by new expectations from others and ourselves. Thoughts such as, “Do I have what it takes to it again?” and “What if I’m not worthy of the success I’ve achieved?” keep us from moving forward.

When we move out of our comfort zone, and we’ll experience the thrill of expanding our limits.

Here are a few things that will help:

·      Journal your fears. Write about your fear and its origin. Spend time to uncover what terrifies you and record it. Reflect on how it has held you back in the past. Often when we write things down or talk about them with a friend, they lose their power. Plus, once you get specific, you can effectively address them in prayer.

·      Counter fearful thoughts. Trusting in God is our ultimate remedy for fear. When you hear thoughts such as “You’re not enough.” and “It won’t turn out as great as you imagine.”, stop them in their tracks and choose to think something else. Read, speak, memorize, and often refer to the promises of the Bible and receive them as personal pledges from God. You can download these Powerful Scriptures to Combat Fear to get started.

·      Create small goals. My friend Kimberly Coyle says “Peace rarely descends like a dove. Instead it is practiced through small acts of courage which put fear in its rightful place.” Instead of tackling your fear all at one time, take small steps towards overcoming it and achieving your goal.

·      Tell people what you are doing. Share your fear with a friend and announce what you are going to do about it. When you included others, they can provide encouragement and accountability.

Don’t be fooled into thinking “That’s just the way I am.” or “This is the way I am wired.” No matter what your Myers Briggs or Enneagram type, fear should never drive your decisions for yourself, your family, and your future. Be willing to dig into the root of fear so that you can overcome it.

Over the next few weeks, here on the blog and social media, I will be giving you a sneak peek into what I am working on. Saying yes to this project has meant tackling my fears and making some changes to the things I am already doing. Stay tuned; I am so excited to share more details with you soon!

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DOWNLOAD SCRIPTURES TO COMBAT FEAR

Face your fears with the Word of God. Download this FREE sheet called Powerful Scriptures to Combat Fear

Sand me Powerful Scriptures to Combat Fear!

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For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 61 Facing Your Fears

Join Elise Daly Parker, Kimberly Coyle and I as we share our experience with fear and a few tips on how to move out of your comfort zone and expand your boundaries.

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Additional Posts:

• Wrestling, Fear, and Faith - An Experience with the Read it Pray it Cards
• Practicing Peace in the Face of Fear by Kimberly Coyle