Transforming Your Family from Surviving to Thriving
That’s exactly what Build Your Best Family online course is all about, allowing you to benefit from what we learned no matter what your schedule is or where you live. It’s a step by step guide to decide what you want their family to be known for, determine their core values and passions, then translate those values into behaviors that can be taught, coached, and celebrated.
I’ve written about a lot about different topics, including as faith, community, money, and prayer. But in the last two years I have begun writing and podcasting about how to imagine, plan, and build the family culture they want.
The truth is that I am incredibly passionate about helping families live connect and with purpose.
Don’t get me wrong, family life will have its ups and downs and it WILL NOT BE perfect, but it is very possible to have a family vision that will lead you in the direction of who you want to be together. To have confidence in the things you say YES and No to.
I know because we are living that way now.
Then, when it's time for your children to leave your home, they will have a foundation of confidence and purpose that will equip them to follow their personal mission and embrace who God has created them to be.
When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. Like you, I was stressed, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Our family struggled with indecision, lack of team spirit, and decreased engagement. I spent a huge amount of time searching for answers and solutions. I wanted to know how to do things better, and I swore to myself that if I could figure it out, I would try to help others do the same.
A few years back Carl and I set out to create a family mission statement. It was a great start but we quickly realized that a polished paragraph on a piece of paper wasn’t enough to change our family. Something was missing. Then we discovered culture! It became clear that the same principles that cause an organization’s culture to flourish and business to succeed could help our family thrive.
Thus, The Family Culture Project was born.
From there my husband and I began working with families at our church teaching them the principles we learned. The results of these small group meetings were pretty dramatic. We absolutely love helping and encouraging people one on one, but not everyone can attend our Connect Group.
That’s exactly what Build Your Best Family online course is all about, allowing you to benefit from what we learned no matter what your schedule is or where you live. It’s a step by step guide to decide what you want their family to be known for, determine their core values and passions, then translate those values into behaviors that can be taught, coached, and celebrated.
It is exactly the kind of course I wish I could’ve had my kids were young! Thankfully it’s never too late to start changing the trajectory of our family.
Believe me when I tell you that this is the course where I give away the farm. We are putting as much into this course as we can, including topics we haven't talked about on the blog or podcast.
It is possible to live a life of purpose with the ones you love, and at Build Your Better Family, we share exactly how it’s done, step-by-step.
Here is what the course includes:
6 Comprehensive Video Modules
6 Powerful Assignments
3 Bonus Modules on Creating a Family Mantra, Choosing an Object to Represent Your Family, and Creating a Home that Reinforces Your Family Culture.
Family Retreat Packet that includes the “360 peer reviews” activities and sample itineraries.
Expanded Rituals, Traditions, and Rites of Passage Worksheet
Weekly Q&A Webinars within a Private Facebook Group
Accountability & Community
Build Your Best Family is designed to be self-paced, but should not be completed in about 6 weeks.
The work that we will be doing does require a commitment, a willingness to buckle down and get to work. However, if you put the time and energy into completing each assignment you will begin to have clarity of purpose and experience the excitement of being a part of something outstanding, something that works.
For those who are willing to put in the time, I know for a fact the culture building principles I share in this course will work. In fact, I am so confident that my program works I am backing it with a money-back guarantee. If you complete the course and you have not seen a shift in your family you will receive your money back, no questions asked.
That’s a pretty incredible promise, but it means that you’ve literally got nothing to lose.
Enrollment for Build Your Best Family course is extremely limited, and will only be open through April 21st. If you are ready to finally take your family to the next level, sign up now to secure your spot.
As a special bonus, the first 25 students to register will receive an additional 10% off the course AND a one hour Q&A coaching session with me!
Establishing a Culture of Faith in Your Home
Culture, no matter what values and beliefs its rooted in, is not a list of dos and don'ts. But instead, the essence of how a family relates to one another, works together, and achieves goals. Through small consistent steps over time, you can establish a culture of faith in your home that will grow your faith and the faith of your family.
I grew up going to church. My family attended service every week and occasionally I’d go to youth group. Our relationship with God extended past Sundays, and throughout the week my mom would incorporate prayer, Bible reading, and listening to worship music into our daily routine. Our conversations, whether about our day, finances, politics, or community, often included nuggets of truth from God’s Word.
Without knowing it, my parents created a culture in our home where our faith could grow.
We were far from the perfect Christian family. We had our shares of ups and downs, accompanied by sin, doubt, and ultimately redemption. I had front row seat to the miracles God performed but also to the mess of flawed individuals living together in a broken world.
As a high school and college student, there were times when I was tempted to leave the whole faith thing behind and do life my way. But there was something that held me back. I believe that it was not only the love of my Heavenly Father but the culture of faith in my home
Culture, no matter what values and beliefs its rooted in, is not a list of dos and don'ts. But instead, the essence of how a family relates to one another, works together, and achieves goals.
A strong family culture exists when you determine and walk out the values, beliefs, and customs or traditions you want to share with one another.
Through small consistent steps over time, you can create a culture of faith in your home that will grow your faith and the faith of your family.
Here are few steps help you establish a culture of faith in your home:
Name it - Decide what you believe and what are the main principles you are passionate about passing down to your children. These are similar to your top five core values. Brand it - Make it exciting by putting words around what you believe. Create a mantra, mission statement, or manifesto.
Model it - Intentionally put action around what you believe.
Teach it - Teach it again and again. Culture continually putting words around what you believe. Talk repeatedly about what you believe and why it is meaningful to you.
Systematize it - Create habits and behaviors that align with your beliefs. Evaluate them often and refine as needed.
Celebrate it - Acknowledge the success each of you has, big or small, that is a result of the actions you’ve taken.
You can apply these steps to any value you want to incorporate into your life.
Just like my family, yours will not be perfect because you’ve followed these steps. However, over time you will create an environment in your home that allows your family’s faith to grow, which will ultimately anchor them to what matters to the most to you.
The Benefit of Creating a Values Driven Culture
Everyone values something. Once you have identified what it is that you value you are better able to make it show up in your life, you gain clarity, which allows you to be successful in what matters the most to you.
Everyone values something. Once you have identified what it is that you value you are better able to make it show up in your life, you gain clarity, which allows you to be successful in what matters the most to you.
As a busy mom, I love the potential this has. I make decisions all the time and because I am the primary caregiver here at home, many of those decisions I make on my own. I can do it with confidence because the values my husband and I have established have created a framework for our family’s culture.
Being confident in our values eliminates time, stress, and guesswork that would otherwise slow me down and cause me to get stuck. << CLICK TO TWEET
There was a time when I used to volunteer for everything. My kids were little, and since I was a stay-at-home mom, I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Eventually, I put boundaries in place began to do less. But then a friend of mine asked if I was interested in being the committee chair for the TREP$ Entrepreneurship Education Program at my children’s school. My daughter had already participated in the program the year before and loved it. I immediately said, “YES!”
Biblical financial stewardship is one of our family’s core values, so being a part of this program was a value fit for us. We’ve been talking to our kids about money management principles such as Give - Save - Spend since they were four years old. Over the years they’ve earned money by doing extra chores around the house and selling lemonade. They’ve learned to manage a budget and be responsible consumers.
You can more read about it HERE, or you can listen to this The Family Culture Project Episode 7 for the full story.
Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project.
My husband is the Marketplace Coordinator and handles all the details of the program’s main event. When my kids were young, they participated in the program, and now that they are older, they help teach class plus help with the setup and clean up of the Marketplace.
The program takes a lot of time and energy, but it’s worth the sacrifice because we know we are apart of something that matters to us as a family and the community. There is a purpose in it, and over time it has become what our family is known for.
In addition to having confidence in my YESes, knowing my values give me confidence in my NOs.<< CLICK TO TWEET
I no longer feel guilty about not volunteering for bake sales or book fairs. These are great ways to get involved in my kid’s school, but they are just not for me. They would stress me out and take me away from the projects I am passionate about.
Business or organizations typically have tangible goals like sales numbers, units sold, people impacted to measure success. We don’t have those types of goals as a family, however, If I can look at my calendar and see my values align with my activities I know I am living my best life. And by that I mean, I have confidence in what I am doing. I don’t compare myself to others and wonder about my purpose.
Want to identify your values and start cultivating your family's culture?
I have created a Core Values Kit that will walk you through the process of determining your values. You can download it for free HERE.
To determine if your values are driving your life ask yourself these questions:
What do my actions say my values are?
Looks at your calendar, are the appointments and activities align with your values?
How am I spending my time, money, energy?
What are you passionate about?
What do you love to do that you are not doing?
What do you want to be known for?
Family values give you a sense of purpose. In times of stress, crises, or transition they automatically guide you. The better you know yourself and what you believe, the more confidence you’ll have in decision making. You’ll be better able weather the hard times and navigate struggle.
Knowing your values will ultimately provide clarity and success for your family.
What are Family Values and Why are The Important?
As a couple, your shared values are a central part of who you are and what you envision your family to be. If culture is the underlying personality or your organization or family, the essence of how people interact and work, then your values are the why of how you live and what you do.
Knowing what you want your family to be known for is an important part of creating a thriving family culture. Another critical component is determining your values and living according to them. Much like culture, your values exist and are in operation in your life even if you haven’t taken the time to identify them.
When my husband and I first sat down to write out mission statement one of the first things we discussed was our values and passions. We identified which ones were important to us individually and then came together to decide which ones we would embrace together as a couple and a family. It was the first step to creating a sense of purpose for our lives and the lives of our children.
So, what are values?
If culture is the underlying personality or your organization or family, the essence of how people interact and work, then your values are the why of how you live and what you do.
As a couple, your shared values are a central part of who you are and what you envision your family to be.
Are few common core values are:
Cooperation
Faithfulness
Hard Work
Independence
Artistic Expression
Efficiency
Integrity
It doesn’t matter what your values are, but that you have identified them applied them to your life. In the book Good to Great, Jim Collins says that “In examining companies who have achieved success both in profitability and culture, what mattered most was knowing exactly what their values are, building them explicitly into the organization, and preserving them over time.”
Why are values important?
Family values are the things that you believe are important in the way you work and live. << Click to Tweet
Your values will drive your behavior. For example, if you say that you value integrity it should show up in every area of your life. You’ll exercise that principle in everything you do, at work, at school, and in your relationships. If you are only faithful and honest when it is easy, then you don’t value integrity. No matter where you are, at work, home, school, in relationships, and on the sports field, these values are present.
Family values matter to children too!
As kids get older and increasingly independent, we won’t always be around to guide them in the choices they make. We can’t possibly prepare them for every scenario they come up against. So a list of do’s and don’t will fall short but an understanding of personal and family values will better equip them. They will be able to reach back to a family principle to make an informed and intelligent choice.
When the things that you do and the way you behave match your values, life will be good. You have a sense of peace, are more fulfilled, and feel in control. That doesn’t mean that your circumstances are perfect. However, there is an undercurrent of satisfaction and contentment. The reciprocal is also true. When the life you’re living doesn’t align with your personal values, the surrounding culture, fads, and the opinions of others will influence your behavior. Things will feel off.
Also, when you do the work of knowing what you believe, when questioned, you’ll know what you stand for and why.
Why you should identify your values:
Knowing your values and intentionally honoring them in your life will give you a sense of purpose.
In times of stress, crises, or transition you'll know how to respond, you won’t have to think. Your values will automatically guide you.
The better you know yourself and what you believe, the more you will be able to espouse that value. When you consider your values in decision-making, you can be sure to approach decisions with confidence and clarity.
A sense of purpose, rooted in your values, allows you to weather the hard times and navigate struggle.
Check out my post on How to Identify Your Values and Improve Your Life to download the free Core Values Kit that will walk you through the process I mentioned below.
Here are some simple steps you can take to identify the core values that will drive your family culture:
Pray Together Whether you are doing this exercise alone or with a spouse, the best place to start is prayer. God know us better than we know ourselves because he created us. Ask Him for guidance and to show you what you need to know for this process.
Answer the following questions individually: When are you most fulfilled and satisfied? When you're having your best day what characteristics are present in you? What are you passionate about?
For greater perspective, ask others what they think you value. Many times friends and family can see patterns in our life we haven’t noticed. Be open to their responses; they may be both affirming and challenging.
If you do this with your spouse, combine or condense the recurring themes and complementary ideas. There will be outliers on your list. Decide whether those ideas, personal to you or your spouse, are ones you can support and promote in your family. If so, talk about how they fit into the big picture.
With the information you have collected, identify the 5 to 7 values that are the most important to you together. A quick search on Google can help you find a list similar to the one I used. Select as many as you’d like. Remember, all of the values listed are good. However, it’s important to identify the ones that are most important to you. If you are having trouble, rate each value on a scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the highest. If you have two values that have the same rank, ask yourself, "If I could satisfy only one of these, which one would I choose?"
The list you end up with is your Core Values.
Once you have identified and articulated your values, you and your family will be able to move forward with confidence and become all that God created you to be.
Your personal values may change over time if the season of your family changes or you experience significant personal growth. This is why you should regularly revisit this process periodically, especially if you start to feel unbalanced and can't quite figure out why.
Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project.
Our Family Values: More than Words on a Piece of Paper
Our family’s mission statement is mounted in a beautiful frame in our foyer. It’s there to remind us of what we stand for and to tell others what they can expect from our family. My husband and I invested a good bit of time choosing our values and crafting them into a handful of sentences that represented us. But as I mentioned in last week’s post those words mean little in not translated into behaviors.
Our family’s mission statement is mounted in a beautiful frame in our foyer. It’s there to remind us of what we stand for and to tell others what they can expect from our family. My husband and I invested a good bit of time choosing our values and crafting them into a handful of sentences that represented us. But as I mentioned in last week’s post those words mean little if not translated into behaviors.
I am talking more about this over at Faith Gateway. I am sharing a resource that will help you introduce values to your little ones. Head over there to check out what it is.
How to Give Power to Your Values
If your values and behaviors don’t align, family members and outsiders will notice. It will be clear to them you don’t practice what you preach. This is not surprising because everything I’ve learned about organizational culture says that just knowing your values is not enough. You can say you stand for something, but unless those values are translated into behaviors, you will go about your days continuing with habits that are familiar and comfortable.
My husband and I created a family mission statement, then wrote it out in beautiful fonts on a chalkboard and hung it in our foyer. It took quite a bit of soul-searching and discussion, but it was worth the effort. We felt empowered and excited about what the future held for us as a family. But then we got busy (again) and defaulted to behaviors that were easy and convenient and not necessarily ones that represented our values.
If your values and behaviors don’t align, family members and outsiders will notice. It will be clear to them you don’t practice what you preach.
This is not surprising because everything I’ve learned about organizational culture says that just knowing your values is not enough. You can say you stand for something, but unless you translate those values into behaviors, you will go about your days continuing with habits that are familiar and comfortable.
Words like creativity, integrity, and efficiency are just nouns or abstractions. You may have a general understanding of what they mean, but what do they look like practically?
Once you have discovered your values, there are steps you can take to intentionally make them a part of your life.
This matters to me most as a parent. When I tell my kids to do things in excellence (one of our family’s values), they may not know what it means. Even if they understand that word, they may think it means something entirely different than I do. If I've already decided what precisely what excellence means to me I can say, “I’d like you to clean your room with excellence. Please complete the task promptly and thoroughly.” They know what I expect.
When you create practices around your values they come to life.
They become:
1. Actionable – It can be acted upon
2. Repeatable - It can be done over and over again.
3. Observable – Others will notice.
4. Measurable – You and others can gauge the success of it in your life.
Here’s how to empower your values:
For each of your values, create 3-5 statements, with an emphasis on the verbs, on how you’d like to see that value show up in your life. It will look different for our family then it does for yours.
For example, let’s consider generosity, also one of our top 5 values. My husband and I decided what that word means to us. Notice the verbs highlighted.
“Our family lives within our means. We do not spend more than we earn.”
“Our family budgets money to give 15% of our income away. 10% to our church and 5% to other causes that are important to us, such as school and church food, clothing, or toy drives.”
“Cook or purchase a meal for people in our community that have a baby, lose a family member, or who are struggling.”
“Host meetings or gatherings in our home as needed.”
These are behaviors we can teach, coach, measure, and celebrate.
Other expressions include:
“Practice…”
“Be fanatical about…”
“Assume…”
As parents, you can build systems or develop incentives around these practices which is essential in training your children. As an individual or a couple, you can identify if you've intentionally incorporated your values into your life.
Write these practices down where they can frequently be referenced. Creating culture is primarily a teaching function. That means that these methods should be taught, coached, and celebrated over and over again until they become habits.
Be flexible and revisit these practices often. It is unlikely that over time your values will change, however how you live them out will. In the early years of your career, success may look different when you have little ones. Or once when your kids have grown, and you downsize your home the ways you live out hospitality will probably look different.
Don't get discouraged if it takes time for your value practices to become habits. It may take time to work them into your life if you are busy and do things in a certain way. Also, give yourself grace when there are other people involved such as family members. Over time, as you take consistent steps that point to what is important to you and your family you will create a unique family culture ..
Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click to play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project.
Also,for more on the topic listen to:
Episode 048 Empowering Your Values
Join Elise Daly Parker, Noelle Rhodes, and me as we talk about how to turn our values into simple practices that are actionable, repeatable, observable, and measurable.
How to Identify Your Values and Improve Your Life
Many of life's decisions are really determined by what you value most. For example, how you use your time, the job you take, and how you raise your family are based on it. When you identify your values are and intentionally make them a part of your life you will feel confident that your life is not a result of “going with the flow”. It's both essential and comforting to rely on your values and use them as a guiding force to point you in the right direction.
Naming your non-negotiables is a great start to living an intentional life.
I mentioned in a previous post that, “It takes practice to make your non-negotiables a part of your every day but it is worth the effort, especially when they are rooted in your values”.
At first, you might think you need to identify your core values before you determine your non-negotiables, but I don’t think that is true. Your non-negotiables are absolutely an expression of your values. However, it’s easy to figure out what makes you happy at the end of the day when accomplished or what bums you out when not.
Values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work. Your values are the why of how you live and what you do.
Your personal values are a central part of who you are and even who you want to be.
Even if you have not taken the time to identify those values, I guarantee that are at work in your life, you just may not have noticed. When the things that you do and the way you behave match your values, life will be good. That doesn’t mean that your circumstances are perfect, however, there will be an undercurrent of satisfaction and contentment.
You may be asking, “If my values already show up in the way I live my life, why should I bother identifying them?” Knowing your values and intentionally honoring them in your life will give you a sense of purpose. Also, the better you know yourself and what you believe the more you will be able to espouse that value. When a situation arises, you will already know how you are going to respond, you won’t have to think. You can immediately go to your core value system. You’re prepared.
I was a bit overwhelmed when first asked to list my core values. In fact, I put off doing the “homework” my life coach sent me on the topic. I was over thinking it and was afraid I would get it wrong. But I pushed through, got the input of people close to me, and believe it or not, I wasn’t surprised with what I came up with. My values related to the things I was known for and talked about most often.
Here are some simple steps you can take to identify your core values:
1. Answer the following questions:
When are you most fulfilled and satisfied? Find examples from both your career and personal life.
When you're having your best day what characteristics are present in you?
2. Identify the values that are the most important to you.
A quick search on Google can help you find a list similar to the one I used. Select as many as you’d like. Remember, all of the values listed are great, however, it’s important to identify the ones that are most important to you.
3. For greater perspective, ask your spouse or a close friend what they would list as your core values.
Often I can’t see the obvious or I second-guess myself based on insecurities. Many times friends and family can see patterns in our life we haven’t noticed. Be open to what they share. The responses you receive can be both affirming and challenging.
4. Now go back through your list and select your top five to seven.
If you are having trouble, rate each value on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest. If you have two values that have the same rank, ask yourself, "If I could satisfy only one of these, which would I choose?"
The list you end up with is your Core Values.
Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click play to listen to this episode of The Family Culture Project.
Feeling Overwhelmed? Don't worry!
I have created a Core Values Kit that will walk you through the process. You can download it for FREE.
Many of life's decisions are really determined by what you value most. For example, how you use your time, the job you take, and how you raise your family are based on it. When you identify your values are and intentionally make them a part of your life you will feel confident that your life is not a result of “going with the flow”. It's both essential and comforting to rely on your values and use them as a guiding force to point you in the right direction.