When You and Your Friend Have Different Parenting Styles
It didn't take long for me to realize that one’s parenting style can wreak havoc on even the closest of friendships. Naturally, we gravitate towards people who are like-minded because they validate our own choices. However, we don’t have to believe our friend’s decisions are wrong to have confidence in our own.
I thought we had everything in common until we became parents.
I potty trained my kids before they were two years old. She waited until hers were three. I pushed my little ones around in a stroller, and she almost always wore hers in a sling. I prefer that my kids don’t eat processed food, but she feeds hers anything that’s easy.
In the beginning, the strain on our relationship was slight. But, as our kids got older, our differences became more apparent, and the tension between us grew.
It didn't take long for me to realize that one’s parenting style can wreak havoc on even the closest of friendships. That’s because the choices we make as parents are rooted in our values, character, and upbringing. As we incorporate them into our every day, they become apart of our family culture. So, it’s difficult not to take it personally when a friend makes a snarky comment about the fact that you just binge watched Parks and Recreation with our kids.
Attachment parents disagree with the free-range parents while strict moms seem to have nothing in common with the laid-back moms. Then there are spiritual and religious parents, parents that co-sleep and parents that sleep train. Chances are you can identify with one of these styles while a good friend embodies another.
Naturally, we gravitate towards people who are like-minded because they validate our own choices. However, we don’t have to believe our friend’s decisions are wrong to have confidence in our own.
Your differences don’t have to ruin your relationship!
No matter how drastically different your methods are, keep in mind that you and your friend have the same intention, you’re both trying to be a good mom.
There are NO set rules for parenting. Your friend’s unique family culture is rooted in their values, passions, and experiences. Many times the choices they make are not theirs alone but shared by their spouse and chosen for a particular reason. As a friend, it’s your job to show respect for those choices.
There may be more to her story than you know. If your friend’s choices seem haphazard and inconsistent, it might be because parenting was nothing like she expected, she’s exhausted and doesn't have the patience to do things any other way. The best thing you can do is come alongside her and walk with her in struggles.
One of the best things you can do is offer your opinion only when asked. This applies to any relationship. Many times your friends aren’t looking for advice but instead, someone to listen.
Take it a step further and ask lots of questions. Many factors can go into why a person parents in a particular way. By learning more about why your friend chose their styles and methods, you’ll understand them better and as a result, deepen your relationship. Hopefully, you’ll come to respect that she does things her way, and you do things yours. You may also be challenged to take a look at your own choices and ask yourself why you made the specific decisions you did.
If all else fails, maybe it's time to get together without your kids. It will diffuse tension and remind you why you became friends in the first place. And if it's a new mom friend, this will give you the opportunity to discover whether the relationship is worth pursuing outside of school activities and playdates.
It took humility for me to get over the fact that my friend’s choices for her little ones were different than mine. I realized that if her parenting style made me angry or less confident in my own then maybe it was time for me to take a look at why I felt that way. Once I stopped thinking so much about myself, I became less offended and was able to enjoy our friendship.
Parenting is one of the hardest jobs many of us will ever have. Whether it's being a mother or being a friend, we can all use more encouragement and less judgment. So, let’s cheer each other on, so we can have the confidence in our friendship but also in our parenting styles, even if they are different.
This post was originally shared on Friending - a podcast about friendships.
Episode 3 of Season 3 - “When You and Your Friend Don’t Parent the Same”
In this episode, Noelle Rhodes discusses what to do when you and a friend don’t parent the same. How do you navigate conflicting parenting styles and still preserve the friendship? This week’s guest is the amazing Clare Hooper along with me!
This is a good episode ... at times a little brutally honest... but a good one!
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How to Find Your Squad
Just a few years after becoming a mom I found myself lonely. I desperately wished I had a group of friends reminiscent of the crew I had in high school. A squad of moms that did things together all the time. I couldn't understand why it was so hard to meet new people and have deep, meaningful relationships.
Life changes when you become a mom. You may have more responsibilities and get less sleep. While it's amazing in so many ways motherhood leaves you with less control over your time. And many times this can affect your friendships.
If your friends are in different stages of life than you are, relationships may drift apart. If you leave a job to stay home with your baby or move to the burbs, friendships may disappear altogether. Sometimes being a mom keeps you so busy, you see your friends less, then you wake up one day and wonder where your people have gone.
That’s what happened to me. Just a few years after becoming a mom I found myself lonely. I desperately wished I had a group of friends reminiscent of the crew I had in high school. A squad of moms that did things together all the time. Women to sit with at every game, school event, and fundraiser. And, if I were lucky, they’d be my weekend friends too, because our spouses would love hanging out together as much as we did.
I’d see other moms on the playground laughing and talking with other another. I assumed that everyone else had mom squad but me. I was heartbroken over the connections I no longer had and constantly complained to my husband that I didn’t have any friends. I couldn't understand why it was so hard to meet new people and have deep, meaningful relationships.
Little did I know I wasn’t the only one that felt this way.
Eventually, I learned a few things about friendships, and my perspective changed. I stopped hoping people would want to be around me just because we’ve met a few times and our kids went to the same school. Gone were the days of friendships that formed organically nurtured only by proximity. If I wanted friends, I had to work at it.
If you find yourself in a similar situation here’s what you can do:
1. Find your people. Think of this one like mommy dating. Go through the list of moms you want to be friends with and ask them out for coffee, invite them over for lunch, or suggest a meet up at the park. Become interested in them, ask them questions about themselves, and keep your ears open for something you have in common. You may be surprised who you connect with and who you don’t.
2. Consider the relationships you already have. What brings you together and how can you cultivate that connection? Resist the urge to chase after the people you think should be your friends only to neglect current relationships that could blossom if only nurtured.
3. Don’t put pressure on a friendship to be what it is not. Just because you love talking to another mom at pick up about your kids doesn't mean your relationship will translate into an enjoyable couples night out. And the woman you love to go to coffee with may not be a fit for your book club, tennis team, or volunteer committee. Feel free to explore different ways to connect with other women but if something doesn’t work, stick with what does.
4. Do the work. Friendships cannot be left up to chance; they require intentionality. If there isn’t already a reason to see your new mom friend regularly create one. Start a club, take a class together, or set up a weekly or monthly date to get together.
5. Connect your friends with one another. At this point, you may have a lot of individual mom friendships brewing, and that’s great. But you can take it to the next level by choosing those with similar personalities or interests and introduce them to each other. Find a reason to get them together such as drinks after a school event, brunch at your house, or a walk through your neighborhood.
As I started to establish new friendships, I quickly learned that one mom does not fit all. That’s because relationships look a lot different than they did back in the day. I didn't end up with a “go-to” squad as I’d hoped, but rather circles of friends that are made up of amazing women. I have my soccer mom friends, my game night couples crew, my weekend people, my book club, and my anytime you want to grab a coffee after drop off friends. These relationships mean so much more to me then I could have ever imagined. My life is so much richer for the diversity they bring.
This post was originally shared on the Friending Podcast, Episode 36 How to Find Your Mom Squad
For more on the topic listen to:
Episode 57 How To Find Your Squad
Join Elise Daly Parker, Noelle Rhodes and I as we encourage you and equip you to find your squad.
Friending - Episode 36 How to Find Your Mom Squad