How to Make Great Friends

Do you find making friends hard sometimes?

After reading a few good books and listening to several podcasts on the topic, I learned a few things about friendship. It was time not only to get busy making new friends but also to be intentional about growing the relationships I had. I was eager to  teach my kids what I discovered, too, because relationships get harder as they get older and there are a few things they need to know.

In the process, I learned to…

Join me over at FaithGateway.com to read the rest of “How to Make Great Friends”.

Everything is Better with a Friend

My kids gave me a long list of things they want to do once school gets out.

The list included going to the zoo, the park, museums, and the beach. They would like to make crafts, host play dates, and have sleepovers with their friends. These activities all sounds fun. However, I honestly don’t look forward to most of it. At least not with just them. I know that sounds awful but let me explain.

I love spending time with my little ones. The things we do together are super fun; there is plenty of laughter, joy, and teachable moments. But being with another mom and her little ones makes everything so much more fun.

Meet me over at Faith Gateway to read more!

When You and Your Friend Have Different Parenting Styles

---

I thought we had everything in common until we became parents.

I potty trained my kids before they were two years old. She waited until hers were three. I pushed my little ones around in a stroller, and she almost always wore hers in a sling. I prefer that my kids don’t eat processed food, but she feeds hers anything that’s easy.

In the beginning, the strain on our relationship was slight. But, as our kids got older, our differences became more apparent, and the tension between us grew.

It didn't take long for me to realize that one’s parenting style can wreak havoc on even the closest of friendships. That’s because the choices we make as parents are rooted in our values, character, and upbringing. As we incorporate them into our every day, they become apart of our family culture. So, it’s difficult not to take it personally when a friend makes a snarky comment about the fact that you just binge watched Parks and Recreation with our kids.

Attachment parents disagree with the free-range parents while strict moms seem to have nothing in common with the laid-back moms. Then there are spiritual and religious parents, parents that co-sleep and parents that sleep train. Chances are you can identify with one of these styles while a good friend embodies another.

Naturally, we gravitate towards people who are like-minded because they validate our own choices. However, we don’t have to believe our friend’s decisions are wrong to have confidence in our own.

Your differences don’t have to ruin your relationship!  

No matter how drastically different your methods are, keep in mind that you and your friend have the same intention, you’re both trying to be a good mom.

There are NO set rules for parenting. Your friend’s unique family culture is rooted in their values, passions, and experiences. Many times the choices they make are not theirs alone but shared by their spouse and chosen for a particular reason. As a friend, it’s your job to show respect for those choices.

There may be more to her story than you know. If your friend’s choices seem haphazard and inconsistent, it might be because parenting was nothing like she expected, she’s exhausted and doesn't have the patience to do things any other way. The best thing you can do is come alongside her and walk with her in struggles.

One of the best things you can do is offer your opinion only when asked. This applies to any relationship. Many times your friends aren’t looking for advice but instead, someone to listen.

Take it a step further and ask lots of questions. Many factors can go into why a person parents in a particular way. By learning more about why your friend chose their styles and methods, you’ll understand them better and as a result, deepen your relationship. Hopefully, you’ll come to respect that she does things her way, and you do things yours. You may also be challenged to take a look at your own choices and ask yourself why you made the specific decisions you did.

If all else fails, maybe it's time to get together without your kids. It will diffuse tension and remind you why you became friends in the first place. And if it's a new mom friend, this will give you the opportunity to discover whether the relationship is worth pursuing outside of school activities and playdates.

It took humility for me to get over the fact that my friend’s choices for her little ones were different than mine. I realized that if her parenting style made me angry or less confident in my own then maybe it was time for me to take a look at why I felt that way. Once I stopped thinking so much about myself, I became less offended and was able to enjoy our friendship.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs many of us will ever have. Whether it's being a mother or being a friend, we can all use more encouragement and less judgment. So, let’s cheer each other on, so we can have the confidence in our friendship but also in our parenting styles, even if they are different.

---

This post was originally shared on Friending - a podcast about friendships. 

Episode 3 of Season 3 - “When You and Your Friend Don’t Parent the Same”

In this episode, Noelle Rhodes discusses what to do when you and a friend don’t parent the same. How do you navigate conflicting parenting styles and still preserve the friendship? This week’s guest is the amazing Clare Hooper along with me!

This is a good episode ... at times a little brutally honest... but a good one!

Subscribe to Friending in iTunes

How to Listen Well

Most of us have had the unfortunate experience of talking to someone that is clearly not listening. The person you are speaking with may be nodding their head, but mentally they are somewhere else. Despite our attempts to justify our friend’s preoccupation or lack of interest it still hurts.

Not only have I talked with people who are bad listeners but I I have been one as well. Sometimes I get distracted. I may think I’m listening to the other person, but I’m not giving them my full attention. This happens especially in the evening with my family when I am trying to get dinner ready or am tidying the house. Other times, when I am with friends I’ve let my phone, other people in the room, or what I am going to say next prevent me from paying attention.

What does it look like to listen to one another in a way that makes us feel heard and fully seen?

Obviously being present is not enough. A good listener listens with their heart, their eyes, and their body language. When they do, others feel safe and can relax and share honestly. This is a tremendous gift we can give each other.

I first heard about active listening in March of 2016 at the Circles of Faith event we hosted called Your Story, Your Influence. The purpose of the event was to walk the attendees through discovering and telling their stories. To equip us for the process, Susanne Ciancio spoke about the difference between terrible listening and good listening and how we can listen well to others.

Here’s what I learned:

Examples of bad listening:

Interrupting -  This is the worse communication habit ever. When we interrupt people, we are telling them the conversation is all about us. Don’t be fooled by thinking, “I just have to say this now, or I'll forget.” If it’s essential to the conversation, you’ll remember it later.

Advising - Unsolicited advice is a relationship killer. Sometimes people just want to express their frustrations or feelings, but we’re quick to jump in to fix it. Wait to be asked before you give advice. The person you are speaking with will be much more appreciative of your wisdom when you do.

Over relating - It makes us feel connected when we can relate to a friend’s story, however highjacking the conversation to let them know you know exactly what they are talking about is rude. It’s okay to wait until they are done speaking to tell them you’ve had a similar experience.

Anticipating - Instead of listening we may be formulating our next sentence, rebuttal, or response. Thinking about what you're going to say next prevents us from being in tune with the other person because in our mind we have shifted the focus off them and onto us.

Ways to listen well:

Give eye contact. This might be uncomfortable at first, but it’s worth doing. When you keep eye contact with the person, who is talking it indicates that you are focused and paying attention. If possible, don’t look over their shoulder to see what else is going on around you.

Use body posture. Sit up straight, with your shoulders squared to the speaker. Lean into the conversation when needed.

Make facial expressions. Nod occasionally and smile. Mirroring the different expressions of the speaker shows sympathy and empathy in more emotional situations.

Eliminate distractions. Put phones, books, and iPads away when talking with someone. Social media and texts can wait.

Once you’re done listening, you can ask questions to further the conversation.

Examples of active listening questions are:

“Can you tell me more about…”

“I heard you say....could you tell me more?”

“What struck me about your story was…”

“How did you come out of that?”  

Keep in mind, most conversations with a co-worker, friend, or family member requires social skills. It’s meant to be a back and forth exchange.

Even though these steps may be obvious, for many, myself included, they are often forgotten. However, with a bit of intentionality and practice, these practices will become second hand. The people in our life will no longer wonder if we are paying attention or care about what matters to them.

Listening well is the way we can make others feel heard and fully seen.

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 62 Susanne Ciancio on How to be a Good Listener

Join Elise Daly Parker and I as we talk with Licensed Professional Christian Counselor, Susanne Ciancio about the difference between listening and hearing and how we can better listen to the people in our lives.

How to Find Your Squad

Life changes when you become a mom. You may have more responsibilities and get less sleep. While it's amazing in so many ways motherhood leaves you with less control over your time. And many times this can affect your friendships. 

If your friends are in different stages of life than you are, relationships may drift apart. If you leave a job to stay home with your baby or move to the burbs, friendships may disappear altogether. Sometimes being a mom keeps you so busy, you see your friends less, then you wake up one day and wonder where your people have gone. 

That’s what happened to me. Just a few years after becoming a mom I found myself lonely. I desperately wished I had a group of friends reminiscent of the crew I had in high school. A squad of moms that did things together all the time. Women to sit with at every game, school event, and fundraiser. And, if I were lucky, they’d be my weekend friends too, because our spouses would love hanging out together as much as we did.

I’d see other moms on the playground laughing and talking with other another. I assumed that everyone else had mom squad but me. I was heartbroken over the connections I no longer had and constantly complained to my husband that I didn’t have any friends. I couldn't understand why it was so hard to meet new people and have deep, meaningful relationships. 

Little did I know I wasn’t the only one that felt this way. 

Eventually, I learned a few things about friendships, and my perspective changed. I stopped hoping people would want to be around me just because we’ve met a few times and our kids went to the same school. Gone were the days of friendships that formed organically nurtured only by proximity. If I wanted friends, I had to work at it.

If you find yourself in a similar situation here’s what you can do:

1. Find your people. Think of this one like mommy dating. Go through the list of moms you want to be friends with and ask them out for coffee, invite them over for lunch, or suggest a meet up at the park. Become interested in them, ask them questions about themselves, and keep your ears open for something you have in common. You may be surprised who you connect with and who you don’t.

2. Consider the relationships you already have. What brings you together and how can you cultivate that connection? Resist the urge to chase after the people you think should be your friends only to neglect current relationships that could blossom if only nurtured.

3. Don’t put pressure on a friendship to be what it is not. Just because you love talking to another mom at pick up about your kids doesn't mean your relationship will translate into an enjoyable couples night out. And the woman you love to go to coffee with may not be a fit for your book club, tennis team, or volunteer committee. Feel free to explore different ways to connect with other women but if something doesn’t work, stick with what does.

4. Do the work. Friendships cannot be left up to chance; they require intentionality. If there isn’t already a reason to see your new mom friend regularly create one. Start a club, take a class together, or set up a weekly or monthly date to get together.

5. Connect your friends with one another. At this point, you may have a lot of individual mom friendships brewing, and that’s great. But you can take it to the next level by choosing those with similar personalities or interests and introduce them to each other. Find a reason to get them together such as drinks after a school event, brunch at your house, or a walk through your neighborhood. 

As I started to establish new friendships, I quickly learned that one mom does not fit all. That’s because relationships look a lot different than they did back in the day.  I didn't end up with a “go-to” squad as I’d hoped, but rather circles of friends that are made up of amazing women. I have my soccer mom friends, my game night couples crew, my weekend people, my book club, and my anytime you want to grab a coffee after drop off friends. These relationships mean so much more to me then I could have ever imagined.  My life is so much richer for the diversity they bring. 

---

This post was originally shared on the Friending Podcast, Episode 36 How to Find Your Mom Squad

---

For more on the topic listen to:

Episode 57 How To Find Your Squad

Join Elise Daly Parker, Noelle Rhodes and I as we encourage you and equip you to find your squad.

Friending - Episode 36 How to Find Your Mom Squad

How I Overcame My Fear To Make New Friends

I found this post in the archives and thought it was worth a reboot. I often have to remind myself that making friends doesn't have to be hard, however, it does take time and intention. Choosing to risk rejection for the sake of building community and finding your people, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, is worth it. 

---

The first week of Pre-K was a little overwhelming. On that first day there we so many new faces. My daughter didn’t know the other kids; I didn’t know the other moms. You could tell by looking in my little girl's eyes that she felt out of place, and so did I. Emotions were raw. I was excited for her, but at the same time, the feelings I had when I was the new girl in high school rose to the surface.

I felt uncomfortable around the moms and caregivers that already knew each other. I wanted to cry. 

We had lived in our small town for a little over four years, but I hadn't had the chance to meet many people yet. I’d had my hands full with my daughter (4), a toddler (2) and a newborn. The few friends I had, lived in other towns so I wouldn’t be seeing them on the playground. I was lonely. 

My husband gave me pep talks about how important it was to socialize our daughter. He said once she made some connections, she would feel more comfortable at school. I knew he was right but what he was encouraging me to do was scary. 

It would have been so easy to hide, to stay to myself, to not risk the rejection but I craved community both for my daughter and myself.

It took everything within me, plus trusting in God, to step out of my comfort zone. I made up a set of mommy cards with my contact information and invited others to come over for lunch or to meet us at the park. I even brought meals to two other moms that had just had a baby. None of this came easy, but the desire for my daughter to make friends trumped the fear of putting myself out there.

How was I going to encourage my little girl to make new friends on the playground if I wasn’t willing to do it myself?

Telling our kids it’s easy to make friends isn’t worth a hill of beans if we don’t model it for them. << TWEET THIS

By the end of the year, I had worked my way through the entire class list, one by one, connecting with each family. Ava had at least one play date with every child in her class, even the boys. Looking back I can see where I was a little over zealous, but it was exactly what was needed to overcome my fears. It didn’t take long to become a part of our community. I was able to get to know many of the moms, the caregivers, and the kids.

I committed to making friends. I determined not to hide.

Fast forward five years and I am still friends with many of the women I met that year. Some of them are now dear friends who I can count on for anything. Those women I was nervous about making meals for, they are some of my favorite people to spend time with, and their little boys have become best buds with my son. While every friendship has not “stuck” and it’s hurt to watch families move away I am grateful for the risks I took.

There will always be new class lists, new people to meet and new risks to take but I have learned not to hide as I model community in my home, to my children and others around me.

How can you come out of hiding and connect with community?

4 Things Your Middle Schooler Needs to Know About Friendship

Friendships can be life-giving. But they can also be hard, confusing, and stressful. Just ask any middle schooler, and they'll tell you.

My daughter started having friendship problems in 4th grade. Neither my daughter or I saw it coming. The friendships she’s had since she was four starting falling apart. The girls became yo-yos, friends one day and rivals the next. It was heartbreaking. I encouraged my little girl, but nothing I said seemed to stop the tears or stomach aches caused by anxiety. 

Up until this point, I had taught her many things, like how to ride a bike, clean her room, and set the dinner table, but I hadn’t taught her what she needed to know to find good friends and maintain healthy relationships. In part because I didn’t think I had to, and also because I wasn’t sure myself. 

I struggled with my confusion about friendships. I didn’t understand why some lasted while others didn’t. I couldn’t figure out how to make new friends or deepen the relationships I already had. That was until I discovered...

 There is more to friendship than pure chemistry or the lack thereof. << Tweet This

I stopped telling my daughter that things would be ok if she would just be nice to the girls who snubbed her. To wait things out, because I was sure things would get better. 

Instead, I taught her some principles of friendship that gave her the confidence to set boundaries and ultimately find her people. 

Over time she learned:

1. It’s okay to have more than one friend group. Your friends who share your love of reading may be in your book club, but that doesn't mean you have to sit at their lunch table. And the girls you play soccer with, the ones who always have your back on the field, you may never go to their house for a play date. And that's ok. 
2. All friends are not created equal. One friend doesn't need to be your everything, Just like a potluck dinner. If everybody brought the same dish to the party, the meal would be lousy. Different friends, with their various backgrounds and interests, meet different relational needs. They also bring variety to your life. If you expect everybody to look, dress, and act the same, life will be boring.
3. When a friend disses you, many times, it has little to do with you. Most middle school kids are insecure. Many times they don't understand their value and worth, so they look to others to give it to them. It’s no surprise when they gravitate towards the person in their squad that affirms them and their choices, be it good or bad. 
4. Proximity is the glue that holds many relationships together. Out of sight out of mind hurts but rarely is it a reflection on you. If you have a friend that you like but don't share a class with any more, you will have to be intentional to maintain that relationship. 

Equipped with this knowledge, she can be herself around her peers. She is free to focus on being the kind of friend she wants to be rather worry about who may or may not like her. 

My daughter's friends may change many times over the next few years but the principles of friendship will not. I hope she remembers them throughout the middle school years and beyond. 

---

Fore More on this topic listen to:

Friending Podcast, Episode 31 Helping Your Kids With Friendship.

Helping your kids with friendship can get sticky. You don't want your child to be the odd one out but you want them to be able to make friends on their own. How do we set them up to be good friends? How much do we get involved?

---

This post 4 Things Your Middle Schooler Needs to Know About Friendship was originally shared on the Friending Podcast, Episode 31 Helping Your Kids With Friendship.

On Running With a Partner

My husband and I like to run before the demands of our day of day begin. That means dragging ourselves out of bed early, often when we’d much rather sleep. As the days get shorter and colder it is even harder. I wake up, get dressed, and honor the commitment we made, but only because I know I am not alone.

The Bible says that Jesus is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24).

Like a great running partner, Jesus is with me, I am not alone.

Jesus has been present since the very beginning of time. Many may think He made His first appearance in the New Testament, however, mentions, whispers, and echoes of Him can be found throughout the Old Testament. In fact, there are hundreds of clues and promises about Jesus throughout the early scriptures that are fulfilled by Him in the New Testament.

Join me over at Faith Gateway to hear about a devotional for your children that uncovers Jesus not just in the New Testament but throughout the whole Bible. 

Hospitality and My Sexy Bean Dip

On the podcast this week we are talking about Hospitality. We discuss what the Bible says about it and how important it is to build community and make others feel valued. We are also share about how we feel about opening up our home, what prevents us from being more welcoming, and how to overcome it.

Our mission as a family includes having a home in which others feel welcome. We enjoy having people over to break bread and share stories. We host small groups for our church, backyard movie nights, and even enjoy last minute guests.

One of the best ways to head off anxiety about hospitality is to have simple, go to recipes, on hand. I have a few, but my favorite is Sexy Bean Dip. As I mentioned in the podcast, my BFF makes this with fresh ingredients.( Her's is way sexier than mine.) I make mine that way when I can, but often I opt for canned and frozen ingredients because I can keep them stocked (except for the avocado) and ready to go when needed.   

Sexy Bean Dip

• 1 can (15oz.) black beans
• 1 can (15oz.) corn
• 1/2 medium onion
• 1 can (15oz.) petite diced tomatoes
• 1/8 cup cilantro
• Squeeze 1/2 of a lime
• salt and pepper to taste
• diced ripe avocado 
• 1/4 tsp. diced jalapeños

Mix together and bowl. Store in the refrigerator. The longer the flavors marinate together the better it tastes. Serve with tortilla chips. 

---

Episode 010 Extending Hospitality

Little things mean a lot when it comes to hospitality. Your home doesn't have to be perfect, just prepared to make people feel welcome. 

Join Elise Daly Parker, Noelle Rhodes, and me for this week's podcast.