How to Help Your Kids Set Goals

I don't know about you, but I am thrilled to say goodbye to 2020 and welcome 2021. 

If you listened to my recent podcasts, you know that there is a difference between setting goals (which many of us do this time of year) and creating habits and routines. 

Both will help your family get you from where you are to where you want to be.

Goals aren't just for kids; they are for grownups too! We can teach our kids how to set goals to cultivate the life, education, and growth they want. As we teach our kids to set and follow through on a plan, we give them a skill they'll need to help them succeed.

Whether your child's goal is to read more books, work out and exercise more, or grow academically, it's necessary to assess where you are at, determine where you want to go, and create simple steps that can take you there.

(We did this activity as a family, and it was so fun!)

Here's how to help your kids set goals.

1. Assess where you are right now.

   It's vital to determine where you are right now to figure out where you want to be. 

   Ask your child how they feel about their life in each of these categories. Have them rate them on a scale of 1 to 10.

   Friendships

   Family Relationships,

   Spiritual and personal growth

   Play,

   Money,

   Fitness

   School Work

   1 means they are not satisfied and want to see radical change, and 10 indicates they are happy and wouldn't change a thing. They can write on a notepad or use this assessment sheet. 

2. Once complete, ask them to write a few sentences about why they feel this way. Even if your kids are young, they will have something to say. Kids are great at being honest and telling you like it is. 

3. Share what you wrote. If doing this exercise as a family, you can take turns sharing each category or going one by one and sharing all the categories.

   (I go in-depth about the assessment process HERE.)

4. Now, set the assessments aside and plan another time to follow up. 

5. When you are ready to meet again, grab the assessment sheet, and have each person answer the question, "What would a 10 looks like in this category?" There are no wrong answers. Encourage your child to write down whatever comes to mind. 

6. Share these answers. 

   While talking about it, choose one action in each category to get you close to a 10 rating. Pick only one because if you focus too many things, thing-you're less likely to follow through, and it can be overwhelming.

7. Decide when and how you do your simple step. Based on your answers determine, When will I do these things? 

   Is it daily? 

   Is it weekly? 

   Monthly? 

   What specific days and times will you do this? 

   This process is similar to setting non-negotiables, which I talked about in THIS podcast episode. 

8. Write down the steps. You can put them on the calendar or create a spreadsheet to help your kids track their progress. Visual reminders help us understand when and how often we should do something to meet a goal. This step allows your kids to make and keep appointments with themselves, just like they would a friend.

9. Follow through. As parents, we can come alongside our kids and be their coach. We help them to be consistent by reminding them and checking in to see how they're doing.

The key to leaving behind good intentions and accomplishing what matters to you is to designate a time each day to do them, even if it is not the same each day.

Consistency is the key. However, we can teach our kids not to get discouraged if they don't execute their steps perfectly. It's not about doing it "right"; it's about cultivating persistence and intention. (Great character traits to have.)

The ability to create and follow through on a plan will set your kids up for success in the future! Remember this. It's the WHY that will propel you forward if this process takes a little time to master. 

How to Stress Less this Holiday Season

Thanksgiving and Christmas are quickly approaching. Most people I know either look forward to the season or dread it. Guess what? In the past, I have dreaded it.

That’s because I typically have high expectations for the season. I want to decorate my home in a way that’s Pinterest worthy, cook my favorite holiday meals, get all my shopping done early, plus make DIY Christmas gifts. I envision my family snuggling by the fire with hot chocolate, entertaining friends each weekend, and heading to NYC when possible.

I underestimated the amount of time I actually had to do all the things.

Instead of the holidays being a joyful time, they become stressed. Then, when my family doesn’t feel like decorating or complains about Advent devotions, I get discouraged. Apathy sets it; I lose momentum and then wallow in the disappointment that we didn’t do the things I imagined.

This awful cycle shaped our family’s culture.

I have discovered significance can be simple! I don’t have to overspend or overcommit to make lasting memories with my family.  Instead, I can leave behind unrealistic expectations, set boundaries, and be intentional with my time.

Thanks to a suggestion from my good friend Noelle, I decided to choose One Word that would narrow our family’s focus for the next six weeks. Instead of “going with the flow” this season we’ll embrace the activities that produce the holiday experience that’s right for us. (This is very similar to the practice of choosing One Word for the New Year.)

Having One Word helped us

• Get rid of unrealistic expectations

• Be intentional with my time.

• Not overspend or overcommit, but instead make lasting memories with my family.  

• Set boundaries

Once you decide what your One Word will be, you can use it as a lens to determine what it is that you'll do, where you'll go, what you eat, and even what music you're going to play, it will help us answer questions such as:

Will we…

• Host an intimate gathering or a party?

• Buy or make gifts?

• Stay close to home or take the train to New York City on the weekends?

• Visit family or invite them to our house?

• Cook favorite holiday recipes or experiment with new flavors?

• Listen to upbeat Christmas music or play traditional hymns?

Many of us will not be able to participate in the traditions we have in the past because of the restrictions put in place by the Covid pandemic. That means we may have to come up with alternative ways to celebrate and enjoy the next six weeks.

In the past, my husband and I have chosen in years past are JOLLY, JOY, PEACE. These are holiday-specific but your word doesn’t have to be. We are still working on this year’s word.

Here’s how to choose One Word for the holiday season:

List your current commitments and responsibilities. Don’t forget about the things you are already doing such as sports, music lessons, and church commitments that continue through November and December. Then add visiting family, travel, parties, volunteering, and birthdays. 

Reflect on the past year. What was the last holiday like? Look back and recognize what worked well and what didn't? Acknowledge how 2020 has impacted you as a family.

Anticipate what’s coming in 2021. What is happening next year? Do you foresee a major life transition or a big move? Are you starting a new business or will it be a slow first quarter? Since many of us are still restricted, it's good to consider what next year might hold if things go back to being somewhat normal but also to consider what if it doesn’t.

Consider what emotion, a feeling, or action will bridge the 2. There are a lot of words out there to choose from. (Don’t worry though. I’ve got you covered. In the One Word Worksheet, I’ve provided a word bank.) If you are having trouble, It’s ok to pick a handful of words, try a few on for size until you find a fit. 

Once you have chosen your One Word, ask ourselves, How can we approach our schedule, our activities, the atmosphere in our home in light of this word?

---

Need some help deciding your One Word?

Download this free worksheet that will walk you through the process. In it, you’ll find a word bank, questions that will help you choose your One Word, and a calendar for planning your time well.

---

I am no longer dreading the next six weeks, but instead, I’m excited about coming up with creative ways to live out our One Word. It will still be a busy time of year, but if I use my One Word as a filter, I can have confidence in what I say “Yes” to and what I say “No” to. I won’t have to worry that I am not doing enough or missing out. 

Our One Word for the holiday season will equip us to navigate the rest of November and December with success.  It will also help us to maintain the family culture we’ve established in our home.

I’d love to know what kind of experience do you want to create for your family this Holiday Season? Let's talk more about this on Instagram or in the Build Your Best Family Community group.

---

Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem! Just click to play to hear this episode of the Build Your Best Family podcast.

10 Simple Things You Can Do to Build Your Best Family

Yes, we are missing out on so much right now. Restaurants, parks, theatres, museums, as well as many other activities, are shut down. At first, it felt like a handful of snow days, something new, totally manageable, and even kind of fun. But now it’s dragging on.

Navigating all the family time can be tricky. However, if we choose to, we can use this as an opportunity to build our best family. 

I have discovered a handful of things that will have a significant impact on your family now during quarantine and in the future. These aren't parenting tips. They are better than that. They are 10 of the practices that businesses, organizations, and even families do to build a strong culture!

You don't have to do all of these. Implementing and following through on just a few of these will strengthen your family and bring you closer together. 

Here are 10 Simple Things You Can Do to Build Your Best Family:

1. Create routines and rhythms. The schedules we followed before the pandemic aren't relevant anymore. We can no longer count on them to make our days feel different and unique. 

It's time to go back to the drawing board and create new routines and rhythms for your family that includes your responsibilities, non-negotiables, and the things that matter to you. When you do this, you are taking ownership of your time, telling it what you want it to do for you. Deciding what you will do ahead of time prevents decision fatigue and eliminates making decisions out of emotion, exhaustion, or stress.

When you establish a routine, you get a clear picture of what's possible (grow spiritually, get your chores done, spend time with family, and connect with friends). But, you will also discover any unrealistic expectations you have yourself and what you can get done. 

2. Have fun together. When you're overwhelmed, the last thing you want to do is have fun. However, it may precisely be what you need to release your stress. Doing the things you enjoy not only benefits you personally but when you do them with your kids, it builds a healthy family. As you spend time together laughing and playing, you strengthen your relationships with one another.

3. Get everyone to pitch in. While everyone is home, there are more meals to cook, more dishes to clean, and more mess to clean up. So now is a fantastic time to have your children lend a hand. When we work together, we lighten the load that each of us carries. Plus, it says, "We are all in this together!"

Yes, I know it's faster and easier to do many of these yourself, but when kids pitch in, they learn about responsibility and build great habits for the future. They'll also discover that what they do matters, and the part they play in your family is essential. 

4. Get feedback. Now more than ever, it is essential to communicate well. Creating time and a safe space for family members to express their opinions and give insight builds confidence and boots morale. Not only that, but it also provides clear steps you can take immediately to grow individually and as a family. Ask questions like, "What's going well?" "What can we improve?" When you do this regularly you foster continuous improvement in your people.

5. Encourage each other. Your love language doesn't have to be Words of Affirmation to benefit from verbal encouragement. When you cheer your people in, they feel valued and seen. You also inspire people to show up. Encouragement is contagious. As you share it with others, they will share it with you too.

6. Host a family meeting. Regular check-ins improve communication and connection. It is essential in building culture because it allows you to see if you are spending your time and resources in a way that lines up with your family's values. You can review schedules, set goals, and solve problems. These meetings don't have to be all about "business," though, you can talk with your kids about how you'd like to spend time together and brainstorm new ways to have fun. Intentional conversations like these equip you to approach each week with a purpose.

7. Ask questions. These days we need more than the typical questions to get the conversation started. "How was school/work?" "What did you do today?" and "Did you have fun with your friends?" don't work anymore. Ask questions that encourage everyone to use their imaginations as well as "Get to Know You" questions that go more in-depth. The answers will become the narrative of your family culture. Plus, research shows that the more kids know their family members, the more self-esteem and confidence they have.

8. Decide what you want your family to be known for. A culture shaped by default tends to be mediocre because people, especially children, tend to take the path of least resistance. As parents, we get to decide what's important to us and how we want to live together as a family. 

Now is a great time to clarify your values and passions. Decide with your spouse what from your past you want to keep and what you want to leave behind. You can even get your kids involved in the conversation. 

9. Take care of yourself. Self-care is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and your family. When we do activities that refresh and recharge us, we are better spouses, parents, and leaders. How we take care of ourselves during this time may look different than before "stay home," but it's vital to our well being. 

10. Show gratitude. Showing appreciation for one another has the power to change a conversation, the atmosphere of your home, and your family. Gratitude is an antidote to anxiety because it shifts focus from what you don't have to what you do have. And as a result, it lifts your spirits. Practice it regularly.

You are likely not going "find the time" to put these practices into place. Instead, make an appointment with yourself or family members to follow through on them. Remember, you don't have to do all of them at once. Choose the ones that you are the most excited about or would make the most significant impact on your family and start there. 

Get the resource HERE!

Take advantage of this time to invest in your family in meaningful ways with my Family Culture Bundle. 

Get the tips, tricks, cheat sheets, and videos on how to implement the 10 Simple Things You Can Do to Build Your Best Family

Bundle includes:

• Routines and Rhythms Guide 

• Chore Lists 

• Ideas for Having Fun 

• Family Feedback Questions

• Conversation Starters

• Family Meeting Guide

...and much more!

For more on the 10 Things You'll Be Happy You Started When the Quarantine is Over check out this video on our Facebook Page.

How to Maintain Your Family's Culture During Different Seasons of Life

It's not very long after becoming a parent that we realize that family life is always changing. We create systems, rhythms, and routines to make our lives run smoothly, and then before we know it, we transition into another stage of parenting. 

Sometimes we see it coming, and other times we don't.

It doesn't matter why we find ourselves in this new season, what has worked in the past may not work anymore. 

It can cause us to feel overwhelmed and doubt we'll ever get this parenting thing right. We often default to what is comfortable and easy just to get through the day, the week, or the month. As a result, we neglect the things that are really important to us. 

As a family, we enjoy eating dinner together. We've done this since the kids were little, and we continue to do it now. However, there was a year when my kids competed on a swim team, and everything changed. Practice times were scheduled during our "dinner time," which meant three nights a week we found ourselves upended. 

For a long time, I was stuck. I was frustrated, trying to figure out how to make it all work. We would skip dinner or eat on the go. I hated it. Plus, we found it incredibly challenging to connect with each other. I was angry and bitter that this commitment, something my kids genuinely loved, was disrupting our life. 

I eventually realized that this was just a season. If I wanted to maintain family dinners, a critical part of our family culture, I'd have to do something different than we had done before. 

I decided to change "dinner time." Who said it had to be at 5 o'clock anyway? We began to eat our big meal right after school and a healthy snack after practice. 

You don't have to be a victim of the changing seasons of life. 

You can navigate the ups and downs of family life by consistently taking time to rethink and re-imagine what it looks like to live out your values and beliefs and pursue your passions. 

Your family culture will change during different seasons of your life. The WHY of your values and beliefs will stay the same, but how you live than out may not. 

By making adjustments to the way you typically do things, you're taking a stand to say your values and your beliefs matter. 

Otherwise, you're sending a message that says your values, beliefs, and passions are only worth doing only when it's easy.

Yes, there are some things that we need to let go of in a particular season so we can rest, recharge, or say yes to something else. We may experience a significant life change that puts areas of our life on hold. It happens.

However, if you simply stop doing something because it's not easy or convenient, you may find yourselves in the rut of just surviving, hoping that one day you will get back to what matters. 

Here are a few things you can do to maintain your family's culture during different seasons of life.

1. Be flexible. Life always moves forward. And as much as we'd like to do what we've always done, we can't. However, when we are willing to adapt to the change in seasons, we will be able to enjoy the present and transition into the future well.

2. Revisit your culture frequently. Dedicate time to examine your culture. With your values as a guide, discuss what is working and what isn't. Ask yourself, "What changes do we need to make?" "What do we want to do more of?" "What can we do less of?" A great time to do this is in January (New Year) or in September (new school year). 

   When we do this, we use the Family Retreat Packet - It's like a 360 peer review… but for families. It takes the guesswork out of planning because it includes everything you need to host your own family retreats such as a Sample Itinerary, a Packing List and Activity Suggestions. You'll find it in the shop on our website. 

   We have consistently revisited and revised how we open up our home to others. When the kids were young, we hosted a lot of playdates, and it was easy to connect with others in our community. Now that the kids are older, we see people less and have become more intentional about inviting people over. Our kids and their friends have grown, and as a result, they eat more. So we've had to increase our grocery budget as well. 

3. Anticipate change. Regularly think about what your future holds. Ask yourself, "What activities are we doing now?" "Will we still be doing 3 or 6 months from now?" and "What does that mean for us?" If you are getting a new job, consider how that may change your morning and evening routine. If your children are attending a new school, look at how that impacts drop off and pick up times. Also, consider whether or not this will change the amount of homework your child has. A great time to talk about these things is at your weekly or quarterly family meetings. 

   Need help starting your family meetings? Check out our Family Meeting Guide - It includes discussion ideas and sample agendas that will save you time. It's available as a free download.

4. Ask your kids for feedback. Make a date with your kids to find out what they think about how things are going in your home. Your children will have a unique perspective on what's working and what isn't. They may even have creative solutions to the problems you face. 

   Asking for feedback from your kids has the added benefit of showing them their opinions matter, which increases their sense of belonging. It reminds them that you are a part of something bigger than themselves.

If you have to change the way that you've been doing things for a while, it is 100%, not a failure. When you open and willing to "go with the flow" intentionally, you will be able to enjoy your present season and the future ones. 

If you would like to navigate the ups and downs of family life while maintaining what's important to you, ask yourself this question:

• What is coming up in the next few months or year that may change our family's rhythms and routines?

Talk with your family members about what's is and what isn't working for you. And make it fun!

How to Give Feedback That Will Strengthen Your Family, Not Harm it

---

As I mentioned last week, as a family, we do a 360 peer review, just like the ones in an organization, to build our family's culture. Giving and receiving feedback to one another in this way has had an incredibly positive impact on our family. 

It has: 

• Created self-awareness 

• Given us insight into our strengths and weaknesses 

• Created accountability

• Most importantly, it has created a culture of openness, one where we know that our voice matters.

Giving and receiving feedback requires humility, and it's a skill that takes some practice.

I mentioned this last week, but it's worth repeating, what we believe to be criticism, our brain tries to protect us from what it perceives as a threat. When that happens, it can be uncomfortable. We may get defensive, we may dismiss it, or outright refuse to believe it.  

When that happens, no one is learning or growing. And we may be hurting our relationships rather than establishing trust and connecting. 

There is a difference between correcting and criticizing others and giving feedback.  

• Criticism typically makes negative assumptions about the other person's motives. Feedback, however, generally avoids speculating on the other person's intent, focusing instead on the actual results of their behavior.

• Criticism places blame, while feedback helps you move forward and grow.

When we give feedback in a loving way, rather than criticism, other people will be more likely to hear us out and take into consideration what we have to say. 

As the leaders of your home, it’s not only important that you learn how to give good feedback, but for your kids to as well. 

Here a few ways we can give feedback will strengthen your family, not harm it. 

1. Be specific. Provide tangible examples of the behavior you're addressing. We generally respond better to a particular, positive direction. For example. don't say, "I don't like the way you load the dishwasher." Instead, say, " I would like you to group the utensils (forks with forks, spoons with spoons, etc.) so it's easier to put them away."

2. Be timely. When you give feedback, it matters. Do it more than just one time a year. Don't wait until your family retreat to provide positive or negative feedback to one another. Make it a regular part of your week or month. Plus, the closer you give feedback to the behavior in question (good or bad), the more effective it will be.

3. Focus on the behavior, not the person. When discussing a problem with performance, control your emotions. Avoid exaggerations and avoid statements like, "You always…", or "You never..." This allows you to have a kind heart and right motives. It shows you care. John Maxwell says, "People may hear your words, but they feel your attitude." 

4. Both positive and negative. For us to develop and grow, we need to know what we are doing well, so we know to repeat it and further improve, as well as what we are doing less effectively so we can make adjustments. What evaluated improves. 

As the leader in your home, you set the atmospheric of feedback. When you give feedback well, your spouse and your kids will begin to do it too. 

Keep in mind, everything that you say should be true, but everything true shouldn't be said. So really be thoughtful about what you are saying. 

Giving and receiving feedback in a healthy way will not only help build a strong family culture, but it will help you grow individually.

Are you wondering how you're doing in the area of giving feedback? Here are 2 questions you ask yourself. 

• Am I more interested in helping and fixing or blaming?

• Am I talking more about the past rather than the future?

Are you interested in hosting your own retreat?

We’ve taken the guesswork out planning yours by creating the Family Retreat Packet. It’s guaranteed to save you time!

Our Family Retreat Packet includes sample itinerary, packing list, activity suggestions, discussion worksheets and much more!

LEARN MORE

---

Prefer listening to reading?

Check out this episode of The Family Culture Project podcast >> How Giving Feedback will Strengthen Your Family

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

---

How to Receive Feedback in a Way That Strengthens Your Family

Giving and receiving feedback is key to the growth and health of any culture, including your family's. However, we often avoid it because it's not always easy to do. It requires humility, plus I believe it is a skill that takes some practice.

I've talked before about our family's annual 360 peer review here and here. The questions we ask are similar to those that organizations ask as a part of their employee reviews. It allows us to reflect on how we were doing personally and as a family. Our conversations aren't always easy, but the feedback we get is priceless.

Honestly, I don't always want to hear what people have to say about me; however, without honest and timely feedback, our personal and family growth is limited. When done correctly, giving and receiving feedback will not harm your family but strengthen it.

We know from experience that giving and receiving feedback isn't always easy.

For many of us, when we receive feedback, or what we believe to be criticism, our brain tries to protect us from what it perceives as a threat. When that happens, it can be uncomfortable. We may get defensive, we may dismiss it, or outright refuse to believe it.

When we react this way, the people in our family don't feel heard or valued. However, if you welcome feedback and know how to receive it, we can use it to create a culture that fosters the growth of individuals and the family as a whole.

We need feedback from others because, without it, it's hard to tell if you're succeeding or how you can improve.

Plus, receiving and acting on feedback eliminates our blind spots. Whether we'd like to admit it or not, we all have them.

The first time we asked our kids for feedback, we expected most of what we heard. For example, everyone agreed we wanted to bicker less and be on time. Our kids shocked us when they said, "Push me to learn and manage my time better." "Be more strict [to help me meet my goals]." and "Tell me to practice more." Yikes! I thought I was helping them by taking it easy in these areas, but they needed support I wasn't giving.

Because when we were open to hearing what our kids had to say, we were able to put together a plan to make positive changes, ones that would benefit everyone.

If you receive feedback that is less than glowing, it does not mean you are a terrible parent. So don't let the fear of this stop you from hearing what others have to say.

The most successful leaders receive input from others so they can improve. I believe that as parents, we should be doing the same.

Andy Stanley says, "Leaders that don't listen to others will eventually be surrounded by people that have nothing to say." The last things we want is for our kids to clam up and not talk to us about how we can love and serve them better.

Here are a few things that will help you receive feedback in a way that strengthens your family.

1. Change what you think about it. Receiving feedback is not a negative thing. It provides an opportunity to grow and improve. When you change the way you think about it, you will change the way you feel about it. You will no longer dread it, but crave it and eventually embrace it.

2. Separate the do from the who. The feedback you receive is about what you do, not who you are. When you take it as a personal attack, it's hard to learn from it.

3. Ask clarifying questions. General questions in response to feedback rarely lead to growth. Consider asking, "What's one thing I could improve in this area?" Avoid asking questions that are likely to result in "yes" or "no" answers. Ask questions that begin with 'how' or 'what'. Often, the best and most straightforward response is, "Tell me more."

4. Invite feedback often. The best way to get comfortable with getting feedback from others is to ask for it regularly and when you get it listen well. Don't wait until things go terribly wrong before you are open to what others have to say. Make it an ongoing practice.

Feedback is excellent not just on the back end of a project, vacation, or change in circumstances, but on the front end as well.

Also, take notice of the areas you get defensive or push back on. These areas may be precisely where you need the feedback the most.

Without honest and timely feedback, your personal and family growth is limited.

If you would like to improve in the area of receiving feedback, ask yourself:

• "On a scale of 1-10, how strong am I at receiving feedback?

• Then commit to improving that. Also, ask one person you trust, "If you had to make one suggestion for improvement, what would they be?"

---

Are you interested in hosting your own retreat?

We’ve taken the guesswork out planning yours by creating the Family Retreat Packet. It’s guaranteed to save you time!

Our Family Retreat Packet includes sample itinerary, packing list, activity suggestions, discussion worksheets and much more!

LEARN MORE

---

Prefer listening to reading?

Check out this episode of The Family Culture Project podcast >> How Receiving Feedback will Strengthen Your Family

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

---

How to End The Sibling Fight of Who Goes First

---

A sign of a healthy culture is the ability to work as a team, communicate well, and get along.

No matter whether your kids are toddlers or teens, deciding who goes first for almost EVERYTHING has the potential to be a disaster. I don't know what's so special about being first, but it seems it's what most kids want to be. 

I have seen my kids argue about being first to take a bath, talk at dinner, and even put sunscreen on at the pool. Not only that, they would argue over who gets to pick the music and who gets stuck sitting in the dreaded middle seat of the back seat. At first, birth order worked to decide who got to do things first, but as they got older, it didn't anymore. 

My kids whined, "Mom, it's my turn; she got to do it last time." I'll have to be honest with you, I was horrible at keeping track, and I often let the child that happen to be on my good side that day get their way. The kids could see right through this, and eventually, keeping track in my head became too hard to maintain.

Then we found a solution! 

We created a plan that would determine who got to go or choose first.

It is so simple but so brilliant! It immediately eliminated the bickering and little voices moaning, "Mom, she always gets to go first." It is a strategy that we could implement quickly, and it is so easy to maintain. 

These tricks have helped me end the sibling fight of who goes first. 

1. If you have two kids, Assign odd and even days of the calendar to each.

2. More than two? Assign each child a day of the week. My oldest daughter is first on Monday and Thursday. My middle girl on Tuesday and Friday. My son on Wednesday and Saturday. Sunday is the parent's choice. This order will help you designate who goes 2nd and 3rd too! For example, on a Monday, Ava gets to go first. Elie goes second, and Aaron goes third. Then on a Tuesday, Elie goes first, followed by Aaron later Ava.

3. More children? Have a straight rotation, and keep track of it on a calendar.

You can do one of these methods, or a combination of both. For example, we use the day of the week method for our children; however, my teen girls use odd and even days to determine who sits in the front seat of the car. (My son is too young to ride up front.)

Keep in mind, all days are not created equal. Weekdays are very different than weekend days, so you may need to change up the schedule now and then. 

In the beginning, it is helpful to print out a calendar with assigned dates to remember which day is whose. But don't worry, it won't take long for the kids to know which day is theirs.

Just like with most systems that you put in place, it will take practice. But once it's in place, it will eliminate a considerable number of arguments that siblings have. 

Watch this Family Hack on IGTV HERE

---

Download this Resource

You can do the steps I mentioned earlier on your own; however, If you need a little help getting started with this hack, you can download a resource have created that will help.

It includes a list of suggested chores for kids of all ages, plus an activity your kids can do to figure out what gets done and by whom. When you sign up for it, you'll get this plus access to all the previous family culture hacks videos and resources.

Subscribe

Built with ConvertKit

---

You Alone Can Create a Strong Family Culture

Back in April, I did a survey. Many of you said that one of the biggest obstacles in imagining, planning, and building your family culture was not wanting to do this work on your own. 

There may be different reasons that you find yourself alone in this process. You may be a single parent or have a spouse that works long hours. Maybe your spouse isn't on board with personal growth or intentional living. 

Whatever the reason, I want you to know that you can do this! You can take small steps that will help your family live with purpose. 

When my kids were young, I had a lot of ideas about what I wanted family life to look like. I envisioned family nights, memorizing scripture together, and special Saturday morning breakfasts cooked by someone other than me. I'd run these ideas past my husband, and even though he would think they were great, he wasn't very helpful in making them a reality. 

After a while, I started to feel sorry for myself. I became frustrated and angry; eventually, that anger and frustration just led to bitterness. 

I was so busy insisting that I shouldn't have to initiate these family rituals and routines that many of my ideas never came to life.

I would complain to my friends about all the things our family wasn't doing because my husband wasn't on board. I maintained that I should have to "drive the bus." They all agreed that it sucked. Until one friend finally said to me, "So what, if it's so important to you, why don't you just make it happen?"

I was annoyed at her comment, but she was right. 

By making excuses, all I was doing was losing time. My kids were getting older by the minute, and I was lamenting over the family I wish I had. 

That all changed when I understood the power I had to implement the changes I wanted to see.

When you get to the point where you believe the things you do matter, whether small or large, you'll begin to take action. And that action will create forward motion in your family. 

The actions that you take within your family will either have a positive or negative impact. No action is neutral when it comes to culture building. 

Here are a few steps you can take to create a strong family culture on your own. 

1. Recognize what is already in place. What rituals and daily routines do you have that are working for you right now? Celebrate it and do more of it. You are doing better than you think!

2. Brainstorm a list of things that are important to you — for example, self-sufficiency, personal faith, respect, creativity, curiosity, healthy boundaries.

3. Choose one or two from the list and answer the question, "What is one small step that I can do over and over again to get me moving in that direction? Decide not just on the action but also the details of it. Every day, once a week? In the morning, at bedtime?

4. Partner with someone.

• Find a friend to hold you accountable. Forward this post to a friend and say, "Hey, let's make some changes together."

• Create a circle of friends that you can meet with regularly. My friends and I read Life-Giving Home by Sally Clarkson together. We got together once a month to talk about how we were implementing the ideas in the books. Group accountability can lead to incredible friendships.

• Hire a Coach. As a family coach, I work with people to help them figure out what really matters to them and what that looks like in the everyday. I help them overcome the obstacles that prevent them from living connected and with purpose. Coaches don't give you advice but rather cheer you on and hold you accountable for the steps you're taking to achieve your goals.

You may not see the fruit of the small steps you take right away, but over time you will. We may be tempted to give up. But don't do it. 

Ask yourself, "Who can I partner with this journey?" Then write that text. Send that email or make the call you need to get the support you need to start building your family's culture on purpose. 

---

You are wondering if family coaching is for you?

Let's hop on a call to see if you're ready to take the next steps.

---

Prefer listening to reading?

Check out this episode ot The Family Culture Project podcast >> Ep. 65 You Alone Can Create a Strong Family Culture

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

---

How Connecting with Your People Will Help You Succeed

In this hectic world we live in, we often only have the time and energy to correct our kids, discuss to-dos, and make sure everyone is where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there. We are juggling home life, work, marriage, schedules. It's no wonder we barely have time for connection. 

You might think going about our business without slowing down to connect would help us get more done and make us more efficient, but in fact, it does not. 

One day one of my kids can home for school in a bad mood. They were unkind to their siblings and short-tempered while doing their homework. I asked them to clean up their snack, and they acted like they didn't hear me

At that moment, I had a choice to make. I could freak out and punish them, or I could take a moment to connect with them and get to the bottom of what was going on. Thankfully I was having a good day, and I chose the latter. I took a deep breath and said, "Hey, what's going on? Did something happen at school today?"

They opened up and told me that something indeed happened on the playground that day. 

Because I was able to slow down and connect with my kiddo, I saw a shift in my child's demeanor. They had more patience for themselves, were able to finish their homework without losing their cool. Not only that, they cleaned up as I asked. 

We build connections and take steps towards our desired outcome when we take the time to see and hear others, become concerned for one another, and come alongside each other in our everyday.

Here are a few ways you can connect with your people:

• Ask questions. Don't assume you always know what's going on or what another person is feeling. Slow down and listen. Ask open-ended questions.

• Show empathy. Recognize how the other person feels and understand their point of view is important to them.

• Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Remember that children will listen to you once they feel heard.

We all yearn for connection — with our kids, spouses, parents, siblings, and friends. We weren't created to be robots going about our day in the most efficient way possible. We were meant to do this life WITH our people.

My conversation with Brian Dixon on The Family Culture Project podcast that I would, in fact, have a more significant impact as a wife, mother, friend when I connect with my people. 

Brian had a habit, both in his business and his family, of putting projects before people. Then he had a unique experience that showed him that this thing that he thought made him successful might be the very thing that was holding him back from the success at work and home. He writes about it in his new book Start with Your People.

As he began to master the art of connection, he saw exponential growth personally and professionally. 

As you read this post or listen to this interview, think about the people in your life that you would like to connect with and decide on one way you can begin to do that today! 

---

Listen to my interview with Brian Dixon on The Family Culture Project podcast here >> Ep. 64 Brian Dixon and Why Connecting with Your People Matters

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

---

{This post contains links and references to products and services that may have affiliates, sponsorships, or other business relationships. I may receive compensation from referrals or sales actions. Thank you for your support! }

One Way To Get Your Chore System to Stick

---

I am a big fan of kids doing chores. 

There are so many reasons for kids pitch in around the house. It enables them to develop life skills, it teaches them about responsibility and self-reliance, and it cultivates a strong work ethic. 

But most of all I like about my kids doing chores around the house is that it lightens my workload.

Over the years, I've tried a gazillion different ways to implement a chore system that would stick. At first, I had the kids pick chores from a jar. This method worked for a while, but eventually, the kids started to complain that it wasn't fair because some of them would end up picking the same thing "all the time."

After that, I tried a chart system with different types of rewards, such as a small toy from a treasure chest, screen time, and even money. Again they worked for a little while, but they lost interest and I wasn't super consistent with maintaining this system because it was too much work. 

Two things changed all this. 

1. I decided that my kids doing chores was a non-negotiable. I went back to my why of chores. It was something that I thought was important, and I determined that I couldn't let the push back, the bickering, and the work it took to establish this practice deter me from making it happen.

2. I gave my kids the responsibility of creating the system we were going to use. Giving them ownership of the process was a game-changer. I sat down with my kids, and I gave them a list of chores that I wanted them to do. We talked about each task and why it was essential to do it. We talked about how and when it should get done, and I asked for feedback. 

The final list that we came up included nine daily chores that were to be done throughout the day and after dinner, plus three more to do on Saturday mornings. 

My kids were concerned about the grouping of chores, so they divided up which ones went together and then created a rotation. 

The chores on this list weren't different from the ones I was already asking them to do. However, my kids' attitude shifted because I gave them a say in what we were doing, what it would look like, and what worked for them. 

The magic was in giving them a say in the decision making process and power to implement the system they created.

Here's how you can find a chore system that sticks:

• Make a list of the things that need to get done. 

• Brainstorm what it looks like to do that thing. Who does it? When should it take place? And what happens if someone doesn't do their part?

• Group the chores together. Arrange them so that the workload is equal. For example, no one child should have all the undesirable duties in the same week.

• Create a rotation. Based on the number of chores and children rotate who does what for a weekly rotation.

• Write it down. Once you have written it down, post it somewhere you can all see it.

You can take these steps for any project where multiple family members and responsibilities are involved. It will give kids ownership of what you are doing together, which will ultimately help them become and stay engaged. 

Giving my kids ownership in this process eliminated a lot of the bickering and complaining, but it didn't make them all of a sudden love chores.

Patience and consistency are vital to seeing long term success in this area. 

Resist the urge to take things over because you can do it better and faster. The good habits your kids are creating by doing chores are more important than satisfying our short-term desires. 

I explain it on IGTV HERE

---

Download this Resource

You can do the steps I mentioned earlier on your own; however, If you need a little help getting started with this hack, you can download a resource have created that will help.

It includes a list of suggested chores for kids of all ages, plus an activity your kids can do to figure out what gets done and by whom. When you sign up for it, you'll get this plus access to all the previous family culture hacks videos and resources.

Subscribe

Built with ConvertKit

---

How to Motivate your Family Members

Teaching children to be obedient is essential; however, when it comes to building a healthy culture, the goal is not perfect behavior. It's creating a team with shared values and beliefs, people that work together toward a joint mission and purpose. 

We all want kids who do what we tell them to do, right? 

When my kids listen, I feel like a great parent. But the opposite is also true. When my kids don't listen, I feel like I suck as a parent and wonder what I did wrong. If I am not careful, my response will be to brainstorm strategies and consequences to get my kids to act the way I want them to. These tactics may work, but alone they are not a long term solution. 

I want you to know upfront, this post is not about dismissing the systems you have in place to teach and correct your children. It is about how to motivate, not manipulate, your family members to embrace who we are as a family and the responsibilities that come along with it. 

There are a lot of things that I want my kids to do, not because I force them to do it. Yes, when kids are young, we do make them do things, such as clean up their toys and brush their teeth. But as they get older, I want them to do these things on their own, without me prompting them to do it. 

I want them to take care of their belongings, maintain their hygiene, show respect to others, and participate in family events. The list goes on.

I am so tired of being a taskmaster. I don't want to control my kids; instead, I want to motivate my kids to do things, to participate in what we are building together. 

So what does it mean to motivate the people in our family?

According to the dictionary, motivate means to stimulate (someone's) interest in or enthusiasm for doing something. 

A leader's definition of motivating is the art of leading someone to do what you want them to do because they want to do it.

When we motivate, rather than manipulate, our family members to do what is required to make a home and family work well we:

• Foster loyalty. 

• Establish habits that will last. 

• Avoid anger and resentment. 

The art of motivation can be applied not only to our kids but our spouses too!

Motivation is very, very different from manipulation.

• Motivation cares about the work and the person. Manipulation only cares about the work.

• Motivation empowers people. Manipulation controls people.

Here are 3 dos and 3 don'ts for how to motivate your people in a way that lasts.

Don't:

1. Use fear and threats. Fear can be a good motivator in the short term, but it's difficult for anyone to be successful when fear drives them. Constant fear creates an unhealthy environment in the home. 

2. Be passive-aggressive. It's a form of manipulation, and it keeps people guessing. For example: When you finally get some face time with your teenager, don't say. "It's so nice of you to grace us with your presence." Instead, say." I love spending time with you. I'd like to do it more often."

3. Avoid handing out candy and promises. In the workplace, money is essential, but studies show it's not the biggest motivator and retainer of employees. It's relationships and empowerment. This principle is true not only in business but in families, as well. Rewards often play a role in many situations, but relying on them for motivation isn't a good long-term strategy.

Do:

1. Create a culture of appreciation. Show appreciation more than you think you should. Brag on people. Celebrate what's right. Notice when they are doing something good! What you give attention to grows! One of the biggest reasons people leave an organization is that they don't feel appreciated. Be creative in how you encourage! (LINK)

2. Model motivation. You inspire others more by your example than your words. Kids are smart. They hear your words, but they also see your actions. When your excited, consistent, and engaged in what you are doing, they notice! The people around you will rise to your level of passion. That means that you will have to work on motivating yourself. 

3. Share the WHY. When we understand the WHY, it is easy to "get with the program". Take the time to share what you are doing and why. There are going to be times when your kids will need to do things just because you said so. However, more often than not, a few extra moments of explanation go a long way.

As you shift from controlling to motivating, you will still need to discipline. 

It is actually demotivating when, as a parent, we consistently accept unacceptable performance. We lose the respect of our people if we don't address problems, poor behavior, or disobedience. As I mentioned earlier, kids see everything you do, and you can't easily foole them. 

If something is not important enough for you to enforce and maintain, why should your kids care about it?

Want to start motivating your family members today? Ask yourself these questions. 

• On a scale of 1-10, how good are you at showing appreciating? 

• What can you do daily to stay motivated and excited about your responsibilities and your family's mission?

---

Prefer listening?

Check out The Family Culture Project podcast here >> How to Motivate your Family Members

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

---

{This post contains links and references to products and services that may have affiliates, sponsorships, or other business relationships. I may receive compensation from referrals or sales actions. Thank you for your support! }

The Best Time to Teach Your Kids About Money

Reports show that most parents don't talk to their kids about money. The main reason is that they don't feel confident about sharing personal finance lessons with them. As a result, the vast majority of kids enter the real world without ever learning about money in school or at home. 

I was one of those kids. I had a part-time job in high school, so I earned money to go out with my friends and buy a few things. But that experience alone was not enough to equip me to manage money well. In college, I racked up credit card bills, partially because I didn't have money for school expenses, but if I'm honest, it was because I bought things I didn't need. It took a long time for me to get back to get to a financially healthy place. 

This is why I am so passionate about teaching our kids about money. And it's a topic I have talked a lot about here on the blog. 

If we don't teach your kids how to manage money, somebody else will.

We don't have to have a perfect financial record or have reached our financial goals to talk to our children about this topic.

You can give your kids what they need to win with money at any age when you:

• Decide what you believe about money.

• Start the conversation about money with the kids when they are young.

My conversation with Art Rainer on The Family Culture Project podcast reminded me of just how much fun learning about money can be. He created a series of chapter books that teach kids ages 6-9 basic financial principles. 

• The Great Lemonade Stand Standoff (The Secret Slide Money Club, Book 1)

• The Mad Cash Dash (The Secret Slide Money Club, Book 2)

• Trouble at the Toy Store (The Secret Slide Money Club, Book 3)

These books follow Jake, Sophia, and Brody on adventures that teach them about the biblical financial principles of give, save, spend.

Stories, especially fun and entertaining ones, are incredible tools to teach kids life lessons. 

---

Listen to my interview with Art Rainer on The Family Culture Project podcast here >> Art Rainer and The Best Time to Teach Your Kids About Money

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

---

{This post contains links and references to products and services that may have affiliates, sponsorships, or other business relationships. I may receive compensation from referrals or sales actions. Thank you for your support! }

Two Things That Will Help You Empower Your Family Members

In some companies, when you start a job, there is an employee handbook. It included policies and procedures. It is an incredible resource, but even the most thorough manuals can't prepare you for every situation.

We see this in family life, as well. As your kids get older, we will not be there to tell them what to do in every situation. The more they are outside our home, the less control we have over the choices they make. PLUS, as technology changes both as kids and parents, we will experience things we didn't know were possible. 

Culture is meant to bridge the gap between the "rules" and the unexpected scenarios you'll face.

But it will only do that when you empower the people in your organization or your family. That means giving your people permission to take action and make decisions without your constant input, and with little oversight. 

Some of you may already be freaking out about this idea, and I get it. In families, you're not working with qualified employees that you handpicked and hired, you are dealing with children. And it's scary to let go of control.

However, the best leaders don't delegate tasks, they delegate authority. You can do that in your family when you create clarity and trust in your culture. 

At every stage of parenting, we let go of control. The ages of your children will determine just how much authority you give away. 

When we empower other people (employees, children, and even your spouse) we:

• Free up mental capacity

An example of this is how we've given our children the authority to make financial decisions. For different ages, there are different levels of responsibility.

When our kids were little, I taught them how to manage money. Each week I gave them a dollar in dimes and showed them how to give 10%, save 10%, and spend 80%. As they got older, they had more money to give, save, and spend, and we continued to teach them how to be wise with their money by giving them various budgets to manage.

Along the way, I resisted the urge to micro-manage the process. 

Now our kids are in high school; they are responsible for additional categories. We figured out how much we spend on them in a calendar year, and they manage it. They go to the bank, withdraw what they need for the month, and divide it up in their cash envelopes. It's now their job to make the hard choices of what they can and can't do with it.

It is so lovely not to be continuously asked for money to do and buy things. Our kids have been empowered to make their own choices. They have freedom within the boundaries of our values. 

• Promotes growth

Those who are controlled won't grow as leaders. You can either have control or growth, but you can't have both. 

Controlling creates passive followers, BUT empowerment creates faith-filled leaders. 

Often when you empower people, the right people, they will eventually do it better than you do. Honestly, I hope our kids avoid the financial mistakes we make and do a better job of managing money then we've done.

The strength of your family is not tied to how much you control but to who you empower. 

Two things that are crucial when empowering your people is: 

1. Communicate with Clarity. This ensures that your work is aligned with your values, your goals, and your mission. It's important to communicate what you need and expect from others in a way that they understand.

Clarity without trust creates fear without action. 

If you give your people a task or responsibility but micromanage how they get it done, they won't take risks required to build confidence in this area.

2. Extend trust. When trusted family members are eager to embrace the values and beliefs, you are teaching them. 

Trust without clarity results in work without direction. Your kids and other family members will become robots doing what they are told but never taking ownership or embracing the values behind the ask.

Trust takes a willingness to let go of control, which is hard. If you struggle with this, ask yourself, "What is the most important win needed in this season?" "And am I willing to experience a temporary loss of excellence or effectiveness to see growth?"

As parents, our goal here is to guard the values, but slowly, surrender the control. 

This often looks like taking two steps forward and one step back. 

When our kids were first starting doing chores, it was hard not to take over and do things ourselves because we knew we could do it easier and fast. But the point of giving them chores to do was NOT so that we could have a perfectly clean house. But to cultivate teamwork, to teach them how to take responsibility for their environment.

Will your kids (or other family members) under-deliver? Will they make mistakes? YES. That's okay!

Family culture isn't about behavior modification or perfection, it's about passing down a set of values and beliefs that your children will embrace, take ownership of, and run with. 

If you would like to start empowering the members of your family today, ask yourself:

• What is the most essential win needed in your family?

• Am I holding back, or are my standards too high? They choose 1 or 2 things that you can teach others and delegate it to them.

---

PREFER THE EASE OF LISTENING TO READING?

No problem! Just click to play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project podcast >> Creating a Culture that Empowers Your Kids.

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

A Creative Way to Encourage Your Family Members

Encouragement is essential for members of an organization or a family to feel valued and seen.

Good leaders, including parents, should always be on the lookout for ways to encourage, affirm, recognize, and appreciate their people. 

I believe encouragement matters, but I am always necessarily consistent with following through. I want to be, but my problem is I get busy. Plus, it's difficult for me to come up with compliments and encouragement on the fly. Some days I am good at it, while others I am not.

I can either settle for, 'Well, that's just the way I am." or I can find a way to make it easy for me to encourage and praise the people I love.

Going out of my way to serve my people in this way has the potential to feel like another thing on my to-do list; however, I have found a way to make it both easy and fun.

I prepare ahead of time. I write words of thanks and appreciation on sticky notes and leave them in random places for my people to read. It's a simple but powerful way to affirm and recognize my kids and husband for the ways they shine.

Try this trick and let me know how it works for you. 

You'll need a pen and paper, a marker, and a stack of sticky notes. 

Here’s how you can do it too:

1. Create a list. Write down about 25 encouraging phrases for the members of your family. These can be as simple as, "You are so talented!' or they can be more specific like, "I love the way you serve us! You always ask if I need a drink when you one for yourself."

2. Copy these phrases on to sticky notes. One sentence for each sheet. You can also doodle on them and add stickers if you'd like. Stack them back together, and now you're ready to give a compliment when the time is right. You can stick these in your kid's lunch, on the bathroom mirror, or on your spouse's nightstand.

3. Start over again. Once you run out of encouraging phrases, make another list, and do it again.

Your family members may not mention the notes they receive, but that's okay. Play it cool. When I first started putting notes in my kids' lunchboxes, I couldn't wait for them to come home to school to tell me how much they loved them. However, it took them weeks to even acknowledge them. They were reading them and being encouraged, and that's what matters.

If you do this, it won't take long before you see the atmosphere in your home change. By focusing on the positive and recognizing your family members on a regular, ongoing basis, you will help them feel build confidence in themselves in your relationship. They will eventually become more connected and engaged with you and with one another.

---

If you need a little help getting started with, you can download a FREE list of encouraging phrases for your family members here.

You'll get this list plus access to other family hacks videos and resources that will help you build your best family. 

---

How to Equip Your Kids with What You Want Them to Know

Driving culture is primarily a teaching function. If you don't know what you are teaching, you won't do it well. That's why taking the time to map out what you value and believe is so crucial. It creates a curriculum for the way you will do life. 

Our family is one of the busiest seasons of our life together. It's all good stuff, things we have intentionally chosen to do; however, If we are not careful, we could default to survival mode, and I miss opportunities to invest in our children. 

Our oldest daughter is 2 years away from graduating high school, and I find myself wondering if we have taught her what she needs to know before she goes off on her own. Our overall culture is stronger but can't help but ask myself have I taken the time to teach her the finer points of:

• Friendship

• Dating relationships

• Finances

• Setting and achieving a goal

My conversation with Steve Graves, on The Family Culture Project podcast, has inspired me not just to hope that I will have an opportunity to talk with my daughter about the important things I listed but to actually take the time to do it. 

Steve decided he wanted to make a long-term investment into his relationship with his son. So he began taking him to their local bagel shop to discuss life over breakfast. And over the following three years, they talked about each of the "deposits" that you will find in his book 41 Deposits: Crucial Conversations for Fathers and Sons.

I learned that to equip your kids with what you want them to know you can:

• Decide upfront what you want your child or children to learn. Grab a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything that comes to mind. Then prioritize those things that are most important in this season.

• Schedule a regular time to talk with them about these topics or issues. Don't wait for teachable moments to pop up. They may never happen. Pick a regular day and time that you can spend with your child and put it in your calendar. Pick a place outside your house to meet. The park, playground, or favorite restaurant.

Making a list of things to talk about ahead of time will give you direction. I know when I have a plan, I get excited about what I am doing. The more decisions I make ahead of time, the easier it is for me to transform my good intentions a reality. 

Many times kids keep the things they struggle with to themselves, so we may not know when they need our encouragement and wisdom until it's too late. When creating your list, anticipate what they need in their current and upcoming season. This was they can and stay ahead of the drama, or dilemma they may face.

Your kid doesn't have to be a teenager for this to be worth doing. 

They need your words of wisdom in the kindergarten, second grade, middle school, and beyond. Try to remember back to when we were your child's age and think about you would tell your younger self. 

This doesn't have to be complicated. 

You don't have to be a pastor or author to have something important to teach your children. Nor does it have to be well crafted. It can be as simple as when you share your thoughts and feelings with a friend over coffee.

Do what works for you in the season your in. If it's too hard, you won't do it. You can brainstorm your own ideas, or you can grab resources like the one our guest created and use it as a guide or what Steve life to call a "cheat sheet." 

We've created a worksheet that will help you list your very own deposits, the things you want your kids to learn.

The FREE download will also include a link to Steve's book plus other resources that takes the guesswork out of what to talk about with your kids at various ages.

---

Listen to my interview with Steve Graves on The Family Culture Project podcast here >> Steve Graves and How to Equip Your Kids with What You Want Them to Know.

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

---

{This post contains links and references to products and services that may have affiliates, sponsorships, or other business relationships. I may receive compensation from referrals or sales actions. Thank you for your support! }

It's Never to Late to Take Control of Your Family's Culture

Hands down the ideal time to start imagining, building, and creating your family's culture is when you first start your family. Then as time passes and you go through different seasons of life, it's crucial to revisit your values, beliefs, and practices that you have in your home. 

It's terrific to start building your family's culture early, but what if you haven't? 

We have older kids, and so do many of our friends. When we talk with them about their family and making changes, they often say, "I wish I knew about culture earlier, it's too late now." or "There's not much we can do now, our kids already in middle school (or high school)."

It doesn't matter what stage you are are in your family. You can begin to imagine, plan, and build your best family right now!

There are benefits to building your family culture when your kids are older.

• You can include them in the conversation. Kids are smarter than you think, and they get culture. Try naming a few family friends and ask the kids what comes to mind when you think of them. They will be able to tell you immediately. Follow up with the question, "What do you want our family to be known for?" They will often bring creative ideas to the table, things you'd never think of.

• Feedback from them on what's working and what's not working. Kids have the uncanny ability to be brutally honest. If they feel that their thoughts and opinions are valued, they will tell you like it is. An outside perspective will give you incredible insight into what is worth keeping in your every day and what you should get rid of.

We do this at our weekly Family Meeting each week - Once a week, we get together to discuss our family's schedule and let each other what is going on in our world. (Our Family Meeting Guide, which included discussion ideas and sample agendas is available as a free download HERE.)

---

So if you're tempted to say it's too late to take control of your family's culture, think again!

Older children are an incredible asset in building your family's culture.

Creating change when some in the family are set in their ways may be difficult at first. However, ask yourself, Why am I doing this? What is the value that this satisfies? Is this discomfort worth the result?  The answer is likely, yes!

Culture building is not a one and done deal. 

Even if you started earlier, you'd still have to revisit the values, beliefs, and practices that you have in your home. Do they still hold true? Do I need to make adjustments to navigate the different seasons of life? Is what I am doing still working? 

Here are a few easy steps to help you take control of your family's culture:

1. Assess your current reality. What is it that you enjoy or are already doing well? Lean into that. Does your family like to play games together? Do you enjoy camping and hiking together? Does volunteering bring your family closer together? Do more of it and invite friends to join you. Also, figure out what you don't love and do less of it, or stop doing it altogether. 

2. Imagine your future. What's one or two new things that you would like to see show up in your family? This could be a values practice or a cultural practice.

   You don't have to go crazy, reimagining your family life. Implementing one thing through small, consistent steps has a more significant impact than trying to do a gazillion things at once.

3. Reinforce your values. Be on the lookout for something your child or spouse does that aligns with your family values. Let them know you see it and you appreciate it. 

   For example: To reinforce the value of excellence, you could say, "Wow, you did a great job with that, thanks for taking care of that so quickly." OR if you want to start being on time, you could say, "It's so nice to be on time, isn't it?"

   And, when you do the things you enjoy, talk about why they are so fun and what you love about them.

   For example: After we travel, we talk about our favorite moments, what we would have done differently, and what we want to do next. It keeps us excited about what we shared but also allows us to imagine what we'll do together in the future.

   What you pay attention to and acknowledge will grow.

4. Start making your family decisions based on what matters to you. It’s so much easier to make decisions when you predetermine what's important to you. Ask yourself, “Does this choice line up with our family values and what we want to build together?”

If you feel overwhelmed, take a moment, close your eyes, and imagine what your life will be like one year from now if you start making changes today. Let that motivate you to take your first small step!

When you start making changes, no matter how small, you may be tempted to give up if you don’t see progress right away. Don’t do it. Be patient with the process.

An easy way to get started is to download the Family Culture Discussion sheet. In less than 30 minutes, you able to clarify what you want your family to be known for.

---

---

Prefer the ease of listening to reading?

No problem! Just click to play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project podcast >> It’s Never Too Late to Build Your Family’s Culture. Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

Transforming Your Family from Surviving to Thriving

I’ve written about a lot about different topics, including as faith, community, money, and prayer. But in the last two years I have begun writing and podcasting about how to imagine, plan, and build the family culture they want.  

The truth is that I am incredibly passionate about helping families live connect and with purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, family life will have its ups and downs and it WILL NOT BE perfect, but it is very possible to have a family vision that will lead you in the direction of who you want to be together. To have confidence in the things you say YES and No to.

I know because we are living that way now.

Then, when it's time for your children to leave your home, they will have a foundation of confidence and purpose that will equip them to follow their personal mission and embrace who God has created them to be.

When my kids were young, I made a lot of mistakes. Like you, I was stressed, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Our family struggled with indecision, lack of team spirit, and decreased engagement. I spent a huge amount of time searching for answers and solutions. I wanted to know how to do things better, and I swore to myself that if I could figure it out, I would try to help others do the same.

---

---

A few years back Carl and I set out to create a family mission statement. It was a great start but we quickly realized that a polished paragraph on a piece of paper wasn’t enough to change our family. Something was missing. Then we discovered culture! It became clear that the same principles that cause an organization’s culture to flourish and business to succeed could help our family thrive.

Thus, The Family Culture Project was born.

From there my husband and I began working with families at our church teaching them the principles we learned. The results of these small group meetings were pretty dramatic. We absolutely love helping and encouraging people one on one, but not everyone can attend our Connect Group.

That’s exactly what Build Your Best Family online course is all about, allowing you to benefit from what we learned no matter what your schedule is or where you live. It’s a step by step guide to decide what you want their family to be known for, determine their core values and passions, then translate those values into behaviors that can be taught, coached, and celebrated.

It is exactly the kind of course I wish I could’ve had my kids were young! Thankfully it’s never too late to start changing the trajectory of our family.

Believe me when I tell you that this is the course where I give away the farm. We are putting as much into this course as we can, including topics we haven't talked about on the blog or podcast.

It is possible to live a life of purpose with the ones you love, and at Build Your Better Family, we share exactly how it’s done, step-by-step.

Here is what the course includes:

• 6 Comprehensive Video Modules

• 6 Powerful Assignments   

• 3 Bonus Modules on Creating a Family Mantra, Choosing an Object to Represent Your Family, and Creating a Home that Reinforces Your Family Culture.

• Family Retreat Packet that includes the “360 peer reviews” activities and sample itineraries.

• Expanded Rituals, Traditions, and Rites of Passage Worksheet

• Weekly Q&A Webinars within a Private Facebook Group

• Accountability & Community

Build Your Best Family is designed to be self-paced, but should not be completed in about 6 weeks.

The work that we will be doing does require a commitment, a willingness to buckle down and get to work. However, if you put the time and energy into completing each assignment you will begin to have clarity of purpose and experience the excitement of being a part of something outstanding, something that works.

For those who are willing to put in the time, I know for a fact the culture building principles I share in this course will work. In fact, I am so confident that my program works I am backing it with a money-back guarantee. If you complete the course and you have not seen a shift in your family you will receive your money back, no questions asked.

That’s a pretty incredible promise, but it means that you’ve literally got nothing to lose.

Enrollment for Build Your Best Family course is extremely limited, and will only be open through April 21st. If you are ready to finally take your family to the next level, sign up now to secure your spot.

As a special bonus, the first 25 students to register will receive an additional 10% off the course AND a one hour Q&A coaching session with me!

Establishing a Culture of Faith in Your Home

I grew up going to church. My family attended service every week and occasionally I’d go to youth group. Our relationship with God extended past Sundays, and throughout the week my mom would incorporate prayer, Bible reading, and listening to worship music into our daily routine. Our conversations, whether about our day, finances, politics, or community, often included nuggets of truth from God’s Word.

Without knowing it, my parents created a culture in our home where our faith could grow.

We were far from the perfect Christian family. We had our shares of ups and downs, accompanied by sin, doubt, and ultimately redemption. I had front row seat to the miracles God performed but also to the mess of flawed individuals living together in a broken world.

As a high school and college student, there were times when I was tempted to leave the whole faith thing behind and do life my way. But there was something that held me back. I believe that it was not only the love of my Heavenly Father but the culture of faith in my home

Culture, no matter what values and beliefs its rooted in, is not a list of dos and don'ts. But instead, the essence of how a family relates to one another, works together, and achieves goals.

A strong family culture exists when you determine and walk out the values, beliefs, and customs or traditions you want to share with one another.

Through small consistent steps over time, you can create a culture of faith in your home that will grow your faith and the faith of your family.

Here are few steps help you establish a culture of faith in your home:

• Name it - Decide what you believe and what are the main principles you are passionate about passing down to your children. These are similar to your top five core values. Brand it - Make it exciting by putting words around what you believe. Create a mantra, mission statement, or manifesto.

• Model it - Intentionally put action around what you believe.

• Teach it - Teach it again and again. Culture continually putting words around what you believe. Talk repeatedly about what you believe and why it is meaningful to you.

• Systematize it - Create habits and behaviors that align with your beliefs. Evaluate them often and refine as needed.

• Celebrate it - Acknowledge the success each of you has, big or small, that is a result of the actions you’ve taken.

You can apply these steps to any value you want to incorporate into your life.

Just like my family, yours will not be perfect because you’ve followed these steps. However, over time you will create an environment in your home that allows your family’s faith to grow, which will ultimately anchor them to what matters to the most to you.

Building Family Culture Rituals, and Traditions, and Rites of Passage

Culture whether in an organization or family is made up of automatic, repetitive habits, and emotional responses. One of the most common ways an organization does that is through rituals.

And just like in an organization, culture is not created by a one-off team-building exercise and a good orientation day, but in the rituals, and traditions, and rites of passage that are practiced by its people.

These are special things that you do together, and they have special meaning for you.

What are rituals?

A ritual is a sequence of activities that involve gestures, and words performed in a set sequence. Do it regularly. Monthly is great; weekly is even better. By definition, a ritual is done often

The difference between a routine and a ritual is not necessarily the action, but the attitude behind it. For example, a routine is getting up every morning, eating breakfast, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, getting dressed, and going to work. These things are important, but they are also things that NEED to get done so we do it.

However, rituals are seen as more meaningful practices. Often, there is symbolism involved, and they have a sense of purpose. For example, the special morning kisses or crazy handshakes you give your kids before they leave for school or the words of blessing you speak over your little ones when you tuck them into bed at night.

What is a tradition?

When a ritual has been handed down from your grandparents or other relatives, they become traditions. Regardless of whether they are passed down or you start them on their own, they say, ‘This is who we are and what we value.” We see this in the Jewish tradition of lighting candles on Friday evening before sunset to usher in the Sabbath. We often see this in the way we celebrate holidays.

What is a rite of passage?

A rite of passage can be a tradition, or they can stand alone. It’s a ceremony or event marking a new stage in someone's life, especially birth, puberty, marriage, and death. Typical examples are First Communion which is a ceremony in some Christian traditions during which a person first receives the Eucharist. Or a Bar Mitzvah which is a ceremony for a Jewish boy who has reached the age of 13 and is now able to observe religious precepts and eligible to take part in public worship. It doesn't have to be religious. It could be a celebration on midnight of a 21st Birthday.

Rituals, and traditions, and rites of passage are important because:

• They give us a sense of shared identity and belonging when they impart family values and beliefs as well as teach cultural and religious heritage.

• They help us navigate change by providing comfort and security. Through a family move or change or times of tradition, they give us something we can count on.

• They organize our world and give us a sense of structure.

• They teach us practical skills.

• They also give people something to look forward to and something to reminisce about, which has been linked to boosting happiness levels.

Rituals are potent drivers of culture in organizations as well as families. While some of them may be created naturally, they can be thoughtfully designed and nurtured to reinforce your family’s values.

Here are some things to consider as you create your own rituals, and traditions, and rites of passage.

• Start with your WHY. Designing a ritual that will sustain over time requires that it lines up with your values and beliefs. That’s why this first one is so important…What is it you are trying to achieve? What family values are you trying to satisfy or reinforce in your family?

• Who is this for? Is this for individual family members or the family as a whole?

• What does it look like? Generate a list of 3-4 things and figure out which one works best considering your schedule, age of your children, or budget in this season.

• How often and how long?

• Who is responsible for it?

Also, consider, is there something you are already doing that works? Can systemize so that it becomes a regular thing? You may be surprised at what you come up with!

Rituals, and traditions, and rites of passage do not need to be costly or time-consuming. The most important aspect is that they are consistent. Be sure to revisit them from time to time as seasons change, so you aren’t just doing them, “...because we have always done it that way.”

---

Would you like some help designing rituals, and traditions, and rites of passage for your family?

Download this worksheet that will walk you through your family’s discussion.

---

Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No problem!

Just click to play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project. Carl and I share a few of our family’s rituals, and traditions, and rites of passage on the podcast.

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

Building Family Culture Through Routines, Rhythms, And Habits

January is the time of the year when most of us start thinking about change and a fresh start. Each year I take a look at where I have been and start dreaming about where I would like to go in my business, personal life, and family.

Some years I’ve been better than others when it comes to achieving my goals. Through all the ups and downs of goal setting, I’ve discovered that focusing on the routines, rhythms, and habits is the best way to make changes that last, especially in your family.  

Just like in an organization, culture is not created by a one-off team-building exercise and a good orientation day, but in the routines, rhythms, and habits that are practiced by its people. Small steps over time.

Your family culture is a product of your routines and rhythms in our home.

What is a routine?

Routines are the things that you do on a regular basis. They are a flexible form of time management that will move you towards the life you want and will help you meet your goals. I guarantee that you have routines and rhythms that are working for you and yes, even against you.

Over time the routines and rhythms we have will become habits.

Why are routines, rhythms, and habits important?

Family life runs smoother when routines and rhythms are in place. The sometimes dreaded morning routine comes to mind. When it’s haphazard, when we get up at different times, only have our lunch pre-packed occasionally, and aren’t sure when breakfast is we’re miserable and rarely on time. However when we know what to expect and when there’s less commotion and arguing, and we are mentally prepared for the day.

Routines also let your children know what’s important to your family. You can say something is meaningful, but if it doesn't show up in your schedule or done on purpose, it’s a clear sign that it isn’t. Kids and other people can see right through that.

Routines and rhythms give family members a sense of belonging. Our actions often affect others, especially those we live with. When our routines are interconnected, we gain a greater understanding of this and reaffirms the part we play in our family.

Here are a few things that you can do to start creating routines, rhythms, and habits that matter.

• Get clarity. It’s important to know why you are you doing this. It will give you the motivation you need to get started. And when you are discouraged, you can keep referring back to why what you do matters. It will continue to propel you forward even when it’s not easy. Try imagining what it will be like once these routines, rhythms, or habit is apart of your life. What will it change, how will you act? How will it feel?

• Attach it to something you are already doing. For example on the card ride to school, I have the kids take turns reading our Read it Pray it cards. Honestly, we weren't getting to them any other way, but now they are a part of our every day… at least Monday through Friday.

• Remind yourself. Use technology and set a reminder on your phone or digital calendar. Or write it down as a daily, weekly, or monthly commitment in your planner or Powersheets.

• Enlist a buddy. - Find a family member or friend who is working on the same thing and hold each other accountable. What about your spouse or children? My kids love when I ask them to make sure I do something.

• Start simple. Don’t try to start too many routines, rhythms, and habits all at once. Choose to implement or change one or two new things at a time. This also applies to the amount of your new practice. For example walking 10 minutes a day is better than trying to do 30 every day, not being able to do it and then getting discouraged.

• Identify what’s already in place and do it better. I naturally had a rhythm of slowing some on Friday afternoons. When I decided that I wanted to incorporate a Sabbath practice into my week intentionally, I tried a bunch of different days until I realized Friday was perfect for it.

• Make it accessible and or visible. Do you want to drink more water put a jug out on the counter every day? Would you like to read a devotional with your kids in the morning? Set the table for breakfast with plates, flatware, napkins, glasses, and your favorite kid’s devotional.

You don’t have to wait until a New Year of even Monday to start making small changes that will change your life or your family culture. Today is the days to start!

You don’t even have to design a big campaign to kick start change… start now. Imagine the life you want and figure out the small steps consistent steps to get you there.

Additional Note:

Creating new habits can be hard. But if we understand how we are wired, it becomes much easier. Gretchen Rubin's book Better Than Before helped me figure out my tendencies, and now everything makes sense.

Prefer the ease of listening to reading? No Problem!

Just click to play to hear this episode of The Family Culture Project. Carl and I share a few of our family’s routines, rhythms, and habits how we got them to work for us on the podcast.

Be sure to subscribe to the show in iTunes or your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.

{This page contains links and references to products and services that may have affiliates, sponsorships, or other business relationships. I may receive compensation from referrals or sales actions. Thank you for your support! }